Less disappointing than we thought
Welcome, dear readers. As you’re probably aware, the Thanksgiving holiday is fast approaching. For some, that means going home to their family or friends and eating so much turkey that it results in a coma. For others, it means staying here and partaking in what Jennings has to offer (chicken burger count = 9). We say a silent prayer to the Flying Spaghetti Monster that he not grace our presence in the form of a pasta bar.
With our humble campus so underpopulated, what better time for the extraterrestrial masses to converge on us? As some of you undoubtedly know, the Shag Harbour UFO Festival has just ended. For those who aren’t aware, Shag Harbour is NOT the place you go to do the you-know-what with the you-know-who (and we’re not talking about Voldemort).
On Oct. 4, 1967, at 11:20 p.m., a crowd of people in Shag Harbour, NS, saw an unidentified falling object crash into the water. Little did the witnesses know that the craft was one of many that would bring their extraterrestrial crew to Earth. The small town would go on to host an annual UFO Fest to act as a cover for a grand reunion of extraterrestrials. Perhaps they are refugees from the planet Nibiru (RIP), or Plutonians fleeing planetary prosecution (don’t worry, it’s still a planet to us) or attempting their undergraduate degree in anthropology (unfortunately, information can only travel at the speed of light; by the time the journey’s complete, you will find out that your major doesn’t exist anymore).
As students return home for the weekend, local alien life forms have no better place to be after UFO Fest ends, and are drawn to our mostly vacant, cosmically centred town of Sackville (turns out Toronto isn’t the center of the universe). As students spend time with family and friends so will the aliens, right here at Mount Allison. If you’ve decided to stay behind for the weekend, you might notice some strange occurrences occurring on campus. People might not be as excited to interact with each other and less inclined to do normal human activities such as sleeping, eating, staring blankly into space while contemplating the vastness of the universe or studying. Research on the social patterns of isolated alien life forms suggests a lack of verbal communication in favour of telepathy, diminished need for sleeping or eating. The reason why they keep coming back is to participate in their favourite holiday pastime, the hunting of the elusive Sackville “swan.” Like the swan population of Sackville, this tradition began in 1968, the year after the initial crash in Shag Harbour, and continued until the recent demise of the famous Sackville swans which populated Lake Tetanus. Maybe now they’re looking for something new to hunt…
Stay inside, sheeple. The truth is out there…. They are out there.