Fuck a Pillsbury Pizza Pop™ OR a McCain Pizza Pocket™? Wear the world’s biggest boots OR the world’s tightest jeans? Have a penis for a nose OR have penises for fingers? Always walk really slow OR only sprint? Every time your parents make love, you must watch OR join in, just once? Constantly smell like […]

Wake up, sheeple! We, the student body, are all under threat. The oppressor is invisible, acting in secrecy right beneath our noses. I have put myself at considerable risk in choosing to publish my theory, and am writing under the name Mark Snowden. The Argosy is the last bastion of unbiased, objective journalism. Follow me […]

“How are your ejaculations?” This was a question posed by my therapist during my first session. I laughed, not really knowing how to answer. When I came home and thought about it more, I realized just how much I didn’t like myself, to the point that I denied myself even the most natural of urges. […]

Scene 1 Curtains rise. Old Larry’s parking lot, an unseasonably humid evening in October. The weather matches the fervid excitement of the line outside: Youth wait excitedly afront the objectively shitty bar. Muffled music comes through the onyx fake-brick walls of the bar. Enter Mark and his friends. MARK: Showing slight signs of intoxication. …ahhhh, […]

Fall may be here, but don’t call it “sweater weather!” Ditch that cable-knit. Throw away the circle scarf. Your wardrobe needs an update. Fear not! We have put together a guide to fall’s hottest trends. From the runway to the breezeway, explore the looks that will dazzle and inspire! Mountie Football Gear This season, football […]