The Olympics are an exciting time: All the adrenaline, the uncharacteristically brutal Canadian competitiveness and the one time every four years that lets us appreciate our winters. Much like all institutions and cultural phenomena, the Olympics are constantly changing, with new sports being added to the games all the time. Lucky for you, we at Humour HQ have gotten our hands on the list of “honorable mention” sports that almost made it to Pyeongchang.
1. Speed Scraping
How fast can you scrape all the ice off your car? Speed is the most important thing here, but finesse and attention to detail are also considered. Turning the defrost on during the event is grounds for disqualification.
2. Negative Naked Mile
Self-explanatory. However, since beer pong – I’m sorry, beer table tennis – hasn’t made it to the Warm Olympics, this event was unfortunately disqualified from consideration for PyeongChang 2018.
3. Figure Falling
Who can fall on ice most fantastically. The elusive “catch your footing at the last minute” move has yet to be completed in competition to this day!
How far can your car slide on an icy driveway before you just give up trying and hope for the best?
5. Snow Slog
You know how rugby is kinda like football, but without all the equipment? Well, this is like snowshoeing, but without the equipment or mental preparation. Think: trying to walk to an 8:30 class when you were expecting (and deserving of) a snow day.
6. Competitive Breathing
Who can breathe -35 degree air the longest without their nostrils sticking together or without sharp, searing pain in their lungs? This one is real a test of endurance.
So as you’re watching the olympics, don’t forget to respect the sports that could have been. Go Canada!