Help! My daughter is a communist!

I, Deb McMillan, am in absolute SHAMBLES. I fear my pure, virginal, Taylor Swift-loving daughter has been corrupted by what can only be described as ‘politically correct Marxists!’

The return of my daughter this weekend was not a joyous one. Reagan was right, the commies are everywhere! My sweet, non-critical thinking baby girl has been transformed into someone unrecognizable. Below are some of the strange behaviours she exhibited throughout the weekend:

Not only did she interrupt her grandparents when they were making racist jokes at the dinner table, but she had the nerve to tell them to stop!

She claimed she was a vegan. So can she still have the turkey? No!? But how will she get her protein??

She came out as a lesbian. I’m sure it’s just a phase to impress boys, but if not, what about my dreams of grandchildren?!?!?

She told me that my favourite singer, Meghan Trainor, is problematic? What. Why do you have to ruin all goodness in the world?!

She announced her dislike for Justin Trudeau. But that hair! And he said “it’s 2015!”

She called her father a misogynist! Umm, no. He’s a physical therapist!! How do you think we afford to eat these Betty Crocker™ mashed potatoes?

She kept saying “bourgeois leadership roles will not bring about the abolition of gender.” I guess I’m happy she learned a few new languages.

The reds are coming! Is no tradition sacred? All I can muster right now are concerned Marge Simpson noises as I finger my rosary beads. What kind of world are we living in?!?

Delanie Khan-Dobson