#4 Will SHOCK You
Welcome to the Argosy’s newest column, where we’ll be informing you of the real on-goings at Mount Allison and the pancake-like disc the world actually is. Due to suspicious activity, we begin a week later than expected. But, worry not, we still have time to spread the truth. We did have an article written, but the real question is: why wasn’t it published? What secrets does Mount Allison have to hide? Could it involve a SECRET SOCIETY, perhaps?! There are so many questions, and we, dear readers, have your answers.Across campus, we’ve noticed many irregularities that could point to an Illuminati presence right here in Sackville, New Brunswick. And being the intrepid investigators that we are, we’ve compiled this convenient list:
1. Commencement: Everyone remembers their Orientation Week (hopefully), but has anyone asked why we do commencement? The colorful robes and otherwise unknown alma mater are obviously part of a ceremonial ritual practiced by an old and powerful society. And the gargantuan wooden chairs? A matching set for those at the highest echelons of power, with an even bigger chair for the head of the secret body, our own Peter Mansbridge. Why do you think he’s never here? He’s clearly out executing the Illuminati’s plans for world domination, and going into “retirement” to pursue it full time (sorry CBC, but you two had a good run).
2. Location, location, location: Unless you’re a GIS minor, you’ve probably never really thought about the geography of Sackville. And that’s exactly what they want. If you were going to start up a New World Order, what better place to set up shop than a university with a quickly growing aviation program, so you can recruit fighter pilots or chemtrail dusters? Also, there’s ample room in the nearby swamp for Submergible Headquarters Running Electricity Kinematic Systems (a.k.a. SHREKS) which has the ability to project force-fields and thoroughly brainwash oncomers.
3. The secrets of Swan Pond: The next most important semi-aquatic body in town has its own secrets. The only people telling us it’s contaminated are the profs and facilities management, both of whom work for the University. The truth is we can’t go in the pond because it houses the secret meeting spot of our campus Illuminati under its murky waters, in a chamber accessible only by tunnels.
4. The Allisonian “A”: Our school’s widespread icon is nothing more than propaganda for the New World Order (NWO). If you look at the Allisonian “A,” all you’ll have to do is move things around and BAM! You have a triangle. You know who’s a really big fan of triangles? That’s right, the Illuminati. As if you needed more proof, the Illuminati website also features garnet and gold formatting. Don’t believe us? Check for yourself: https://www.illuminatiofficial.org/
5. Don’t underestimate Sackville: Just because Sackville seems to be a quaint university town with too many pizza shops (when all you need is Snack Shop), that doesn’t mean there isn’t a secret underground society right under our noses. In fact, our neighbour, UNB, hosts the archives of the Flat Earth Society of Canada. There’s no reason that an equally ancient and intellectual society couldn’t exist here.
Remember, sheeple, the truth is out there.