What the grill station doesn’t want you to know
Welcome, dear readers. We have ascended from our hole in the ground as our not-so-friendly extraterrestrial visitors have blasted off in their pure-alcohol fuelled rockets. This week, we thought we would expose a story on a crucial topic that we have been hinting at for the past few articles.
If you’ve been attending classes lately, you may have noticed there is always that ONE person in every class who will NOT STOP COUGHING. You tell yourself to feel sorry for them as you recall how the Plague hit you last year, but eventually your temporary sympathy wears off and you just want them to just SHUT UP ALREADY! We get it, people, you’re sick. Get some chicken noodle soup or something. However, you know where you shouldn’t get your soup from? The five-star eatery we call Jennings. (Nice segue, right? Fun fact: the guy who invented the Segway died in a freak Segway accident. Coincidence? I think not.)
Judging by the lines, approximately one million students go to break bread (to go with their frickin’ pasta) every day. Jennings holds a special place in the hearts of students living in residence, as it’s the only place where they don’t have to pay to eat. Technically, they’ve already paid (a lot) for their food, but we don’t like to remind them of that ☹. Jennings is a staple on this campus, but things are not as they seem. Every year, like clockwork, the Sackville Plague returns (like the Jedi, but a lot less welcome) to wreak havoc upon the student population. It begins with a sniffle, which becomes a wheeze, which becomes a cough, which becomes an uncontrollable spiral of death (RIP to that one kid in my math class). You know what else is like clockwork? People eating at Jennings. Coincidence? Or conspiracy?
What better way to ensure that people get sick than through their food? That’s the thing about humans; they need to eat (Up to four times per day, if we’re talking about me on a day Jennings has garlic fingers for late night). And when students are so infected that they become too weak to make it to meal hall, they provide “sick meals.” Why? To keep them sick? Or maybe to test how the University’s virus is interacting with its hosts? Trust us, we’re in microbiology with Prof. Clark.
Even those who choose to avoid the wrath of Jennings are in for a nasty surprise. Remember those inaccessible tunnels running deep beneath the heart of the Mt. A jungle? What better system for releasing airborne toxins? And with so many planes flying over Sackville, WHAT ABOUT THE CHEMTRAILS?! While you are in Sackville, you cannot run and you cannot hide from this localized plague.
After reading this information, you may be left wondering why this is occurring on the campus of Maclean’s top-rated undergraduate university (Better luck next year UNBC). A few columns ago, we exposed the Illuminati on campus; a secret society like that would have many uses for a docile, complacent population, just like the one annually created by the Plague. Or perhaps there is something else out there, something unknown to our readers as of right now, waiting for a prime opportunity to strike. Stay tuned, sheeple.