Humour

Trill’s Tips

Jan 31, 2018 Trill Waves

What up, pleasure seekers. It’s Trill again. I may or may not have forgotten to write you guys tips until the last possible minute but, like, don’t worry about it. I was talking to one of my many fans on the phone earlier today and she wanted to know how to make a good Tinder profile. Well, as much of the Sackville Tinder community already knows, I am the god of Tinder. As usual, I’ve got three tips for your success, so let’s crack into them.

Tip 1: The Pictures. A phrase I like to use often is “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” This applies to your pictures on Tinder. Your Tinder pictures should effectively work as a trap. Lure them in with a good picture of you, maybe you in a group of other people. This forces people to look deeper into your account to determine who you are and also whether or not you look nice enough for them to swipe right. Maybe post a second nice picture, but after that you must show your true colours. Up-the-nose close-ups, shirtless pics revealing your mostly hairless, skinny-fat dad-bod, and, of course, a pic of you, severely drunk,  passed out in some public place (mine is at a church). If they aren’t enticed by the real you, then they don’t deserve you.

Tip 2: Your Bio. Do not leave your bio on Tinder blank. That’s a fucked thing to do. You need to continue drawing them in with your bio. A list of acceptable questions for your potential matches to ask is good; that way you can prepare impressive answers. Also be sure to connect Spotify and have your top artists as Slipknot, Korn, like three ska bands, and some, like, obscure harsh noise band. Other acceptable additions to your bio are the exact dimensions of your junk (including mass and volume), a web address to your LinkedIn, and the phrase “420 freindly.”

Tip 3: Messaging. You can walk the walk, but can you talk the talk? What you say on Tinder is very important. You want to be bold, yet subtle. Flirtatious, yet disinterested. Gross, yet somewhat pleasant. My favourite form of communication is to use primarily Randy Savage (RIP) GIFs. There’s a lot that the Macho Man can convey and I think that he’s a prime way to a woman’s heart. Also a good move is to text them “u up” or “wyd” at, like, 11:30 p.m.

Bonus Tip: Who to Like. The answer is everyone. Get Tinder Gold and like everyone. Every. Single. Person. On. Tinder.

I hope you’ve all found these tips useful. I sure have. Catch me back here next week – if they allow me back, lol (always unsure of that). xoxo – Trill