Trill’s Tips

I sure did have an eventful weekend. IDK about you but the weather was like the least of my worries on Saturday lol. I was a WAY bigger hazard to myself and others. YEEHAW. Argosy Staff Party 2k18 was fucking lit, or maybe I was just sloshed the whole time and had no idea what was going on. Lots of possibilities. The lemon gin did me dirty once again, unsurprisingly. Anyway this set of tips is gonna be on how to make a good first impression, something I did multiple times on Saturday lol.

Tip 1. Be loud and obnoxious. This person wants to meet you! Which means you don’t have to listen to them. Conversation has gotta be as one-sided as possible. You are ALWAYS the most important person in the room and people ought to know that. Command respect. Never shut up. Talk over others. Only what you have to say matters, so they can shut it. Be loud all the time.

Tip 2. Dress realistically. Keep it real. Rock the sweats and hoodie you’ve been wearing for the past three weeks. This is the real you. They don’t deserve any better. You are the most important no matter how absolutely fucked you look or smell. That’ll show ’em.

Tip 3. Insult the person you’re meeting. Go-to greetings: “Hi! Go fuck yourself, you pathetic heap of trash!” “Hi, terrible to meet you. Ugly!” “Wow! You sure are disgusting!” “I don’t know you but I already hate you and have no intentions of changing that!” “Hello, did you fall off of the NERD tree? Nerd!” “You strike me as a true loser!” You guys can mix and match these up if you want; your life, man.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed. Tune in again in like three weeks for the last Argosy issue of the semester. I’ll be sure to make it a good one.

Trill Waves
Trill Waves is a colossal asshole who somehow conned his way into a position on the Argosy staff as Humour editor. We don’t know how he got here or how to get rid of him. Please contact argosy@mta.ca if you have any idea on how to get rid of this pest.