Trill’s Tips

Well everyone, this is the last Argosy of the semester. We really did it. We pushed out a whole semester’s worth of biased, leftist, gotcha journalism, and you all ate it up like the FOOLS you are. Ah, the Argosy, where we don’t publish things unless we can spin them into something controversial. I’m sure my bosses are gonna love that little digression lol. Anyway, you’re probably expecting some tips on how to get through final papers and exams or whatever, but that’s not gonna happen. There is still lots of partying to do before we all go our separate ways this December. Now if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably had a wide variety of experiences out on the town in here Sackville. I believe that I’ve learned from my experiences and have figured out the main components that make for a good night out. So here they are: My tips on how to have a good night out.

Tip 1. Don’t pace yourself. On Homecoming I had about 30 drinks over the course of about 19 to 20 hours, therefore I am capable of having 30 drinks on one night out, right? Makes sense to me. Basically, think of the highest number of drinks you’ve had in one go and try to get to that number as fast as humanly possible. You’ll never make it past your record if you pace yourself. This is a sprint, not a marathon! And do NOT drink water. There’s water in your booze so that’s gonna hydrate you real good.

Tip 2. Expect a hookup. As humans we’re motivated by one thing: banging. Everything I do in life is motivated by at least one of the following three things: Professional Experience, Booze and Women. When you go out on the town, you really want to try to pick up, so make that the end goal for your night. Who wants to have fun with friends? Who even has friends? It’s 2018! Just be an aggressive asshole and, move down the list of your Tinder matches and Facebook friend recommendations as you get continually rejected. Usually your night’s gonna end with you going home alone trying to fall asleep with the lights on because your room is spinning worse than a poorly assembled tilt-a-whirl.

Tip 3.  Puke in the sink. Your attempt to minimize your nausea by leaving your lights on has failed. Oh god, it’s coming. You aren’t gonna make it to the bathroom but the kitchen sink is just feet away from your bed in your shitty overpriced bachelor apartment. You hurriedly try to move the dirty dishes you’ve neglected for the past two weeks out of the way. Somehow you manage to get most of them out of the danger zone. You spend the next half hour spilling your guts, knowing full well your nextdoor neighbours can hear you through your building’s criminally thin walls. “At least I got it all in the sink…” you think to yourself. You feel satisfied and much better. Thank god you bought that Pedialyte to help cope with the inevitable hangover. You wake up five hours later and realize what you’ve done. You hate yourself for the next three days as you try to get the smell out of your apartment. You truly are your own worst enemy.

I hope you guys put these tips to good use! I know I usually follow this method and only hate myself a little bit more than usual the next day! I hope you all enjoy a break from school and seeing the Argosy. Remember kids, as always, don’t read the Argosy.

-xoxo, Trill <3

Trill Waves
Trill Waves is a colossal asshole who somehow conned his way into a position on the Argosy staff as Humour editor. We don’t know how he got here or how to get rid of him. Please contact argosy@mta.ca if you have any idea on how to get rid of this pest.