Humour

What is even real anymore?

Definitely not good laptop design at Acer

Long time no see, dear readers. We’ve been on hiatus for a while now and have finally returned to the harsh reality of being another cog in the great mechanism that is the Argosy newspaper. As the cool kids say, wyd? But as we like to say, how you doin’? Been to any lit parties lately? Of course not, because you were in Sackville, unless you’ve been travelling lately. Maybe poaching elephants in Zimbabwe (PS: congrats on getting rid of Mugabe, guys)? Or partaking in the “rich culture” of Amsterdam’s red light district in a drug-fueled episode you’ll regret for many years to come? Or maybe… paying a visit to the German “city” of Bielefeld?

What the heck is Bielefeld you say? Nothing. Actually, that’s not true; it is something, but it’s definitely not an actual town. Many years ago, in 1993, back when a generation of nerds gathered around their CRT TVs to bask in the mediocrity of Star Trek Deep Space Nine and get in some wicked barrel rolls on Star Fox, an extremely woke comp sci student dropped a serious truth bomb after meeting a fellow “human student” at a party who claimed to be from Bielefeld. After posting online about how this obviously couldn’t be true, the conspiracy began to pick up speed. However, even today, 14 years after the truth was revealed, there are still some people who believe in Bielefeld… But think about it:

1. Do you know anyone from Bielefeld?

2. Have you ever been to Bielefeld?

3. Do you know anyone who has been to Bielefeld?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, either you’ve fallen victim to the illusion, or you’re a part of it. The “Mayor’s Office of Bielefeld” even released a statement on April Fools’ Day about how the whole town is totally real (they’re basically trolling us with the hoax). What forces are behind the phony town? The CIA? KGB? Something even more sinister? The Maple League?

Germany sure has some shit to work out, but let’s not get all high and mighty. There’s a Canadian version right on our doorstep, and no, it’s not Labrador – the reason you never hear about that place is ’cause the most interesting thing about it is some slightly shiny rocks. It’s none other than the majestic land where potatoes run wild and free, most commonly known as Prince Edward Island.

First things first, the Confederation Bridge: the minute you cross over this Canada-joining slab of concrete, you enter the Twilight Zone. Don’t tell us it’s not shady that you have to pay $46.50 upon LEAVING the island. Maybe it’s not about the sweet, sweet toll money. What if, when you go up to the booth, you get neuralized, Men in Black–style, to forget what you’ve witnessed? On top of that, its construction started in 1993, the very same year Bielefeld’s true nature came to light… Perhaps THEY needed somewhere new and more secret.

Now let’s talk about CAPITALISM for a second – the nightmare of every member of the Communist Party of Canada. (There are dozens of us! Dozens!) Take the deliciously soul-sucking void that is COWS Ice Cream as an example. For those unaware, COWS was found to be the world’s best ice cream in a 2008 issue of Reader’s Digest, and they’ve been milking it ever since (pun intended). But there are between six and seven of these things on the island, depending on where the ferry is: too many. Who could eat all that ice cream? Why is there enough P.E.I. milk to make it? We all know nine out of every 10 hectares are dedicated to the annual potato tribute to the local deity Anne of Green Gables, so how is there enough space to sustain a large population of cows? Doesn’t make sense now, does it?

Picture this: P.E.I., the island we’ve all come to know and love, is actually no island, but a disguise for an alien mothership that’s biding its time until Independence Day 3 – except this time, there is no happy ending. You see, just like an onion, this little island has layers: beneath the surface lies our cowmunity, if you will, which supplies milk for use in ice cream that is just a little too good (and expensive) to be true. Consider this: if you needed to bring in some mad cash for spaceship repairs, selling the best ice cream would be a pretty innocuous front for it. Beneath the comoonity is the processing plant for raspberry cordial. We won’t go into detail, but what they put in that stuff makes Soylent Green look like Kraft Dinner (the best kind with the underwater shapes). And beneath that are the archives… Little is known about them, but the truth is out there and we want in.

So to wrap it up, P.E.I. is just like Bielefeld and Cheryl from high school: fake AF. Keep in mind, sheeple: if you ever meet someone who calls themselves an “Islander,” beware! Also, if any “Islanders” are reading this, we still love you and if you happen to have a key to sub-level 3 of the island we’d love to borrow it.

Until next time. Stay safe, sheeple.