The first movie I review in this column will be the love story between Rose and Jack that everyone thinks is so great, and let me just say, it’s a total disaster. Let’s start with the obvious: EVERYONE KNOWS THE TITANIC SANK. There. Movie over. I saved you three hours and a whole lot of shots of people shivering. I don’t see the point in watching a movie with such an obvious ending.
Secondly, that king of the world thing? I’ve tried it, turns out you can’t do it alone, which pretty much disqualifies me from doing most things, because for some unknown reason people find me “polarizing” or “mean” or “completely unreasonable.”
Third, the characters were boring and I bet Jack couldn’t even draw like a French girl. Also, what is up with that reference? Since when can all French girls draw? I don’t appreciate the generalization, Titanic. I’m not going to spend time on the “there was enough room on the piece of wood for both of them” argument because, frankly, it’s an overdone complaint, and also, I don’t care if they froze or not. I will say, though, the one bright spot of the movie was Billy Zane’s character, Caledon Hockley. He was so normal and justified in everything he did. Why couldn’t the movie have been about him instead of the two complaining lovers who can’t even float properly?
Anyway, in summary, when I watched Titanic, let’s just say I was rooting for the Iceberg. Half a star.