Help wanted!

Entry-level positions Sackville

We know it can be hard to find a job right out of university, especially with all you new grads entering the workforce. Luckily, the Town of Sackville understands this, and is advertising jobs tailored specifically to recent grads to help them get their foot in the door and build a resume that gives them a leg up in their careers.

DOG PAPARAZZI: Inspired by how much university students freak the hell out every time they see a dog even near campus, some Sackville residents are paying graduates to take selfies with their dogs or run Instagram accounts for their canine pals. Successful applicants will be paid for all posts that receive more than 30 likes.

ATMOSPHERE BUILDER: Here’s your opportunity to become an overqualified employee at a coffee shop, just like the barista with a master’s degree. Several cafés in Sackville are now seeking graduates to “talk about smart stuff” at their establishments over the slow summer season. Intellectual conversations allow cafés to maintain an atmosphere of prestige and contempt that can be felt the second someone walks into the store. Employees will be required to use at least three academic words or phrases per five minutes of conversation.

SWAN: Since Herbert and Muriel passed away, the town has been in mourning. But, in accordance with the town’s progression through the five steps of grief, it has been decided that we must move on. Thus, the town is hiring recent graduates as stand-ins for the beloved swans.

NOTE: Tetanus and rabies shots – or else a REALLY good immune system –  are necessary to be considered for this job.

TEST SUBJECT: Totally unrelated to the last job, Mount Allison is looking for test subjects for its immunology and microbiology courses. While not required, it has been strongly recommended that individuals considered for this position spend a long time in Swan Pond…

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