Not how your Halloweekend went? I don’t care,
I’ve noticed that as we age, Halloween becomes less about costumes and candy and more about having an excuse to be the worst version of yourself for a night or two or three. It’s kind of like the purge except instead of killing and robbing people you’re wasted for 48 hours and nobody really says anything. How did I spend my Halloween? Oh it was alright, I spent most of it communicating with spirits so I could write this article, pretty quiet night in. Thanks for asking, I really appreciate it. Nobody really asks about me, y’know, they kinda just expect me to tell them jokes via listicles (real word, look it up), horoscopes, and strange advertisements. It’s fine I don’t really mind, I guess. I’m here for a job so I suppose it’s fair that I’m expected to do it, but I think it’s nice to chat for a bit every now and then, just me and you, it makes me feel like I’m heard and that I matter, gives me some validation you know? Anyways, here are your horoscopes dude, have a good one :]
Aries – “Just one drink” : March 21–April 19
- While you may have intended to stay in after having “just one” drink with your roommates while they got ready for the night, the drunk FOMOkicked in pretty quickly and the next thing you know, you woke up the following day with a blistering headache and no recollection of the past 12 hours.
Taurus – Went out, got blackout drunk : April 20–May 20
- Oh yes, the typical Halloweekend night. You planned to go out and get fucked up, then you went out and got fucked up. The night could have gone a lot worse really.
Gemini – Stayed in, got blackout drunk : May 21–June 21
- Oh no, the other typical Halloweekend night. You started pre-gaming before the pre-game and then the function got shut down. With no place to go and no sober minds to coordinate a new plan with, you figured you may as well keep drinking by yourself. Truly a night to forget.
Cancer – Spent all weekend explaining your costume: June 22–July 22
- Unfortunately for you, your costume was a little too niche for the group you were with. You spent all weekend answering the question “So, like, what are you dressed as?”.
Leo – No costume at all, thought you were too cool for it: July 23–Aug. 22
- I think going out with no costume is fine, but you kinda need to own the fact that you’re killing the vibes of whatever function you’re attending.
Virgo – Got scheduled at work and was miserable: Aug. 23–Sept.22
- This happened to me when I was 14 and worked at Little Caesars. It was maybe the worst night of my life. People are so mean to children when they’re hungry, it’s crazy.
Libra – Smoked too much and got anxious from all the scary costumes: Sept.23–Oct. 23
- Hey man I get it, a couple of years ago I took an edible on Halloween, then proceeded to quietly freak out every time someone knocked on our door. There was no way I was gonna share my 36 tiny bags of chips.
Scorpio – Stayed in to watch the Jays’ game: Oct.24–Nov. 21
- Maybe it’d have been worth it if they won 🙁
Sagittarius – Tried casting spells to fuck with your ex: Nov. 22–Dec.21
- If they got seriously injured or something, and the cops hear you cast a leg-breaking spell or something, do you get into legal trouble? I hope not for your sake.
Capricorn – Went trick-or-treating as a 20+ year old: Dec22 – Jan. 19
- Unfortunately for you, you got many doors slammed in your face. I think there is a method that works, but I don’t know what it is. Maybe next year, if you were to dress up as a child, dressed up as an adult, then it could work. I’ll let you try that out though.
Aquarius – Got ripped from this mortal plane: Jan.20 – Feb. 18
- This isn’t the case for all Aquarius-es. Aquarius-i? Aquariussies? Whatever, I’m just trying to spread awareness for that one guy. Read the article in the side column.
Pisces – Forgot it was Halloween: Feb. 19–March 20
- It was a weird day with the rain and everything. I don’t blame you for just calling it a day and staying home to get some work done. Though, I do wonder what you were thinking when you saw the Lorax walking around.