An open letter to the head honchos at the Town of Sackville and the people of Sackville
Skateboarding must be legalized. I am so angry that I cannot pop sick tricks down Main Street with my friends, and I have put a lot of thought into how to protest this gross injustice. I promise to projectile vomit in front of Town Hall until this law has been waived. “How is that an effective protest?” you may ask. Can a person really projectile vomit for more than a minute? They can if they consume nothing but milk and raw hotdogs in an endless stream, a thing I plan on doing in front of Town Hall until this draconian law is lifted.
In nature, dogs are known to create skateboards out of large logs, pulling out clumps of their loose hair which they fashion into wheels which they attach to these logs. These dogs then ride around on these logs, hitting half-pipes and smoking mad weed under the broken bridge while listening to NOFX. Skateboarding culture is natural, and things that are natural should not be illegal. Dogs are also known to eat grass until they projectile vomit, a tactic that I plan on using to help sustain my multi-month puke fest that will last until this archaic law has been lifted and our skateboarders have been freed.
I am sure that the Town will not take this protest seriously at first, but after they see my love of vomiting large chunks they will have to take notice. I will fill every container in sight with vomit. They can try to spray down my vomit with a hose in an attempt to do cleanup, but I plan on eating a large amount of paint every hour, which will mix with the vomit and make it uncleanable. Every year in which the Town refuses to heed my vomit-filled protest I will find a new form of vomit to unleash on them. I will start a family, which I will raise on the Town Hall lawn, as my children and my children’s children endlessly vomit, following in my footsteps until we are free to skateboard wherever we choose.
I will not rest until we have been granted the right to skateboard in town. I have taught myself how to vomit and eat at the same time; I am an unstoppable waterfall of pure chunks. People may wonder when I will sleep, but that is a nonissue as I have trained my body for years so that it does not stop spewing as I rest. This is a cause that I will fight for until the end, and I urge you, the people of Sackville, to join me in the cause. Even if you do not know how to vomit, come join me. I will teach you. Thank-you for your time.