‘SUP, BROS! IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN: HOMECOMING SEASON. YOU KNOW THE MOTTO, WIN OR LOSE WE HIT THE BOOZE. I, CHAD CRUZ, HAVE CREATED THE STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO MAKE SURE THIS HOMECOMING WILL BE A FUCKING WIN NO MATTER THE SCORE. GAME TIME, BABY.
1. START EARLY
TO ENSURE AN ABSOLUTELY WILD TIME, YOU NEED TO BE 4+ BUSCH LITES DEEP BEFORE LUNCH.
2. PAINT THAT STOMACH
ROUND UP THE SQUAD AND WRITE “MOUNTIE PRIDE” ON YOUR STOMACHS, EACH TAKING ONE LETTER. GO FOR THE LETTER “D.” EXTRA PHALLIC, MY DUDE. MAKE SURE THE CHICKS CAN STILL READ IT MID-FLEX. HAHA.
3. HIT THE DOWNTOWN DINER FOR LUNCH
THE BEST SPOT FOR DILF/MILF SURVEILLENCE. NO CONTEST.
4. GRAB THAT AUX CORD FAM
NO HOCO PARTY WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT J. COLE’S 2014 FOREST HILLS DRIVE ON REPEAT. THIS IS REAL RAP.
5. ARRIVE AT THE GAME
TELL EVERYBODY YOU DON’T LIKE FOOTBALL, IT’S JUST AN EXCUSE TO GET “SHITTERED.”
6. STORM THE FIELD NAKED
DROP THOSE DRAWERS AND STREAK ON THAT SICK NEW ASTRO-TURF. ASSURE EVERYONE IT’S “JUST SHRINKAGE.”
7. SPEND NIGHT IN the DRUNK TANK
JUST WAIT TILL THE WINDSOR BOYS HEAR ABOUT THIS ONE.
8. BEFRIEND LOCAL CROOKS
MEET SKETCHY LARRY AND HIS GANG OF MISFITS WHILE IN THE TANK. BE CONVINCED TO JOIN IN “ONE LAST JOB” ONCE YOU ALL GET OUT THE SLAMMER. ABSOLUTE BEAUTIES.
9. BOTCH A ROBBERY AT THE SAVE EASY
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A QUICK IN-AND-OUT.
10. GET INCARCERATED
YOU’RE LOOKING AT 3-6 YEARS, MY DUDE.
11. DISCOVER THAT THE MODERN PENAL SYSTEM IS FLAWED
COME TO THE STARTLING REALIZATION THAT ISOLATION AND POOR PRISON CONDITIONS FAIL TO REHABILITATE CONVICTED FELONS (AKA HUMAN BEINGS). IN FACT, IT WOULD SEEM THAT THE PRISON INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX IS FUNCTIONING EXACTLY AS PLANNED, REINFORCING SOCIAL HIERARCHIES BASED ON RACE, CLASS AND GENDER.
12. EMERGE FROM PRISON, DAMAGED AND DISENFRANCHISED
13. SECOND WIND
SHOTGUN THAT FIFTH BUSCH LITE BRUH, BECAUSE THAT 12-PACK WON’T FINISH ITSELF!
