By Dawson (Not the drama major, another more different one)
After a record-breaking 2024–2025 season, Mt. St. A’s Not-So-Fancy Theatre has clearly been doing something right. If you were to ask me, I would say it is the world-class team of cast, crew, technicians, and faculty members. If you were to ask the University’s board, they would say it was the obviously AI-designed posters used to advertise each show. Truly, who could forget the bland, monochromatic backgrounds with sans-serif texts overlaid? To celebrate the achievement, Mt. St. A has announced its next groundbreaking theatrical innovation: replacing all human actors with AI-powered robots.
Citing eventual cost savings, theatrical consistency, and the fact that real actors “keep wanting breaks,” the University has decided that flesh-and-blood performers are simply too much trouble. “Think about it,” said one administrator. “No more forgotten lines, no more questionable ‘creative choices,’ and best of all — no more drama outside of the scripts.” They went on to explain how the new system promises to revolutionize the performing arts. The AI actors will be programmed to deliver lines with pinpoint accuracy, hit their marks with mathematical precision, and, most importantly, never improvise or add any personality to the performances.
Early rehearsals, however, have had mixed results. While the robots can recite a Shakespearean monologue with perfect accuracy, they struggle with small human nuances, such as emotion. “We’re still working on their ability to process and understand complex feelings,” admitted the lead engineer. “Right now, their performances range from ‘mildly surprised’ to ‘existential dread.’ Honestly though? That’s already better than some student actors.”
Despite these hiccups, the University is fully committed to the transition. Plans are already underway to phase out directors in favour of ChatGPT-generated blocking notes, while tech teams are developing an AI-powered audience to provide pre-recorded laughter, gasps, and polite applause.
Students are unsurprisingly divided. Some see it as an insult to the craft, with one student actor telling me, “There is so much talent present at Mt. St. A, there shouldn’t be a need to use AI for anything.” Other students in the theatre are embracing the change. “Honestly, it’s a relief,” said one exhausted Theatre major. “The joy of creating art through shared experiences and collaboration can really be tiring sometimes.”
However, there are still theatre purists who remain unconvinced. “This is an affront to everything we stand for!” declared one dramatic arts professor before being forcibly escorted out of a meeting by two suspiciously strong “ushers.” The professor has not been seen since, though an eerily familiar robotic understudy has been added to next year’s faculty roster.
As for the Not-So-Fancy Theatre’s next production? A state-of-the-art AI cast will be debuting in an adaptation of Les Miserables, where they will perform “I Dreamed a Dream of Electric Sheep” with flawless pitch, unshakeable timing, and absolutely no soul. Tickets are on sale now. Do not buy them, and do not support AI “art.” This change marks a new era for the performing arts.
