SUPPPPPPPPPPP. I’M BACK, BABY. I, CHAD CRUZ, HAVE RETURNED TO CAMPUS FOR ONE WILD WEEKEND OF IRISH CELEBRATION.
ST. PADDY’S DAY IS HERE. I’VE PROVIDED YOU WITH A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO MAKE SURE YOU FIND THAT POT OF GOLD AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW. TIME TO GET LUCKY.
1. SKIP CLASS
OBVIOUS. DAY-DRINKING IS A MUST.
2. GRAB THE GUINNESS
YO, TELL THE BOYS THAT GUINNESS IS AN “ACQUIRED TASTE,” ONE THAT YOU HAVE.
3. “KISS ME I’M IRISH…ISH”
SAY THIS TO LITERALLY EVERY GIRL YOU SEE.
4. PUT ON SOME GREEN
MAN, IT WOULD BE FUCKING HILARIOUS TO DRESS UP AS A LEPRECHAUN.
5. FIND SOME ‘GREEN ;)’
I’M NOT TALKING FOUR-LEAF CLOVERS. NO ST. PADDYS DAY KEGGER WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT SOME ‘GANJ’ OR ‘WACKY TOBACCY’
6. DON’T TURN ON THAT NEW GAMBINO
WHY DOESN’T HE RAP ANYMORE?? “REDBONE” IS PRETTY SICK THOUGH.
7. HIT THE PUB
CLUB ST. P IS THE ONLY PLACE TO GO. YOU KNOW THEY’LL BE SPINNING GREAT BIG SEA ALL NIGHT.
8. GET IN A BAR BRAWL
YE OLDE IRISH TRADITION OF SCRAPPING WITH THE B’YS. SMASH A BOTTLE, USE IT LIKE A KNIFE. JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIES DROPKICK MURPHYS WILL PLAY IN THE BACKROUND.
9. GET KICKED OUT
HACK A FEW DARTS. ASSURE YOURSELF THAT YOU ONLY SMOKE WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK. MONDO HEADRUSH INCOMING.
10. PASS OUT ON THE CURB SHITTTTTTT
11. REALIZE THE POLITICAL IMPLICATIONS OF ST. PATRICKS DAY
IN AN UNCONSCIOUS FEVER DREAM, DISCOVER THAT ST. PATRICKS DAY – ONCE A CELEBRATION OF MEANINGFUL NATIONAL RESISTANCE UNDER THE SHADOW OF BRITISH EMPIRE – HAS BEEN CO-OPED, BASTARDIZED AND REPACKAGED BY WHITE CAPITALISTS. MOREOVER, THE COMMERCIALIZED NATURE OF MODERN ST. PATRICKS DAY ONLY REINFORCES THE MARKETS AND REPRODUCES IMPERIALISM.
12. WAKE UP, FIND NEAREST KEG
STRAIGHTEN UP THAT SHAMROCK TOP-HAT. IT’S WHAT ST. PADDY WOULD HAVE WANTED.
