By Guy who doesn’t like coffee
In a bold attempt to rid Mt. St. A campus of any remaining individuality, international business Staryucks has successfully infiltrated the campus cafe, The Flicking Bean. This shift — clearly aimed at ensuring students never experience a single sip of originality — has sparked outrage amongst students, many of whom had mistakenly believed that they were attending an academic institution, not an advertisement for mediocre coffee.
The beloved local cafe was once a safe haven for students to reliably get middle-of-the-road coffee without the associated guilt of contributing to union-busting, Israel-supporting, ex-CEO Coward Schmultz’s investment portfolio. Other cafes around Ballsackville are rejoicing at the downfall of The Flicking Bean, with the owner of one cafe stating, “who are you, how did you get in here, I thought all the doors were locked.”
The timing of the takeover couldn’t be worse, as the students of Mt. St. A have also been dealing with a switch in food providers at the campus dining hall. The switch has somehow managed to redefine the phrase “bare minimum” and proves that the mold problem the previous food provider faced was not their fault; it is unfortunately just a product of the building (read an article about that on page xy).
“It’s like the University sat down and asked themselves ‘how can we make eating on campus as unappealing as possible,’” said one devastated student, clutching a stark white and lukewarm Staryucks branded cup. “Then, just to make sure we were too tired to fight back, they messed with our coffee too.”
This Staryucks expansion is just the latest example of a growing trend: universities prioritizing corporate partnerships over student well-being. Rather than investing in and supporting local businesses that contribute to what little individuality remains of the campus culture, the administration has decided to roll out the red carpet to an international corporation that is facing allegations of sourcing coffee beans from farms with human rights and labour uses.
Despite student backlash, Mt. St. A has defended its decision, stating that Staryucks offers a “high-quality and consistent product”, which is technically true if by high-quality you mean “raised the standards for fast-food coffee in the early 2000s then prioritized quantity over quality” and by consistent you mean “more bland than the upcoming library renovations”. Though, I suppose matching the taste of the coffee to the visual appeal of the building it’s going to be sold in makes sense.
Some students resign themselves to their fate of corporate-branded lectures and diplomas, welcoming the brand because it is familiar to them. I pity these people, but ultimately envy their acceptance of maybe the biggest truth you can learn while attending university in a small town: no matter how much you love a local business, it will eventually be steamrolled by a company who has no issue manipulating consumers for more income.
