Wake up, sheeple! We, the student body, are all under threat. The oppressor is invisible, acting in secrecy right beneath our noses. I have put myself at considerable risk in choosing to publish my theory, and am writing under the name Mark Snowden. The Argosy is the last bastion of unbiased, objective journalism. Follow me down the rabbit hole. See how far it goes!
Over the reading break our esteemed president, Robert Campbell, quietly announced “The Maple League of Universities” in an email sent to all students. It is a cover-up. Comprised of Bishop’s, St. FX, Acadia and Mount Allison, this coalition of “cute” small universities is set to put our civil rights at risk, namely our privacy.
During his address at the Maple League launch, Bishop’s President Michael Goldbloom stated that they intend to use “cutting-edge video technology to bring our students together.” Sounds neat, right? Wrong. Go to Hart Hall Room 103. Installed are a set of CISCO video cameras equipped with high-def audio and video capabilities. The testing phase is already complete. The bishop is in place. Checkmate.
The administration is watching everything you do! They are in your webcam, your credit card statement, your lecture halls. The Maple League will know where you study, how you take your coffee and your relationship status. Your information will be bought and traded like simple stocks to the hungry capitalists on Wall Street, like a bloody carcass to the wolves! Campbell said in his email that our education will be “enriched,” when really, we will be subjected to targeted ads, 24/7 surveillance and absolutist ideology!
Not convinced? Must I spell it out? Look at the four universities. Acadia/Bishop’s/Mount Allison/Saint Francis Xavier. Take the last letter from each word. A-S-T-N-T-R. Rearrange them. T-N-A-T-S-R. See it yet? Look closer. I have deciphered what these letters truly stand for: The Neoliberal Alliance: Taking Students’ Rights. The bureaucracy always veils its true intentions within plain sight. But I have discovered the truth. Neoliberalism is bad, as we know from POLS-1001.
The Maple League website poses a frightening reality: “Four Schools. One philosophy.” Small universities become police states. In perhaps the most alarming statement of his address, Goldbloom endorses fascist ideology: “We know that four voices speaking in unison are better than one.” Under the tyrannical rule of The Maple League, all dissent would be silenced, all radicals punished!
Heed my warning! This goes all the way to the top! You are all on a sinking ship, without a lifeboat. Cut up your Mountie card and disable your webmail. Do what you can to find solace. The Maple League is watching.