Welcome back, fuckers. Trill is back in the Sack, but you probably already knew that. My presence rarely goes unnoticed. This semester, I’ve decided to once again grace you all with some exceptional advice. Today, I will give you tips on carrying through on your New Year’s resolution. Buckle up baby because WE BACK.
Tip 1. Fight your prof. No matter what your resolution is, this is an essential. You all should’ve done this on the first day of classes, but better late than never, amirite? By physically assaulting your prof for each course, you will establish dominance over one of the biggest stressors in your life, giving you the confidence to continue on with your resolution.
Tip 2. Give up. After the confidence boost you got from assaulting your profs wears off and the RCMP knock on your door, your dreams of a fresh start will be suddenly shown to be incredibly unrealistic. You’ll soon realize how hopeless your situation is. Why did you follow the advice of that fool in the newspaper? It’s all over now; might as well ditch any plans of sticking with your resolution.
Tip 3. Die. With your hopes dashed, wait for the cold but long-awaited embrace of death! Utter your last words. Choose from classics such as “Thank you, goodnight!” or “Rosebud!” or “What are you gonna do? Kill me?” or “The gold is buried in—.” New Year’s resolutions (and life in general) are for chumps anyway!
See you in the next life! XOXO, Trill!
P.S. Sorry for being grim! It may not seem it, but a man’s goin’ through a lot rn.
