Orientation week is in crisis. Amidst accusations of the corruption and “stagnant mediocrity” of the programming, several student leaders and reactionaries raised concerns that “the best week of your life” needed to undergo serious changes.

The chair of orientation teamed up with the Argosy to provide a platform for students to have their voices heard: an online survey hosted by surveymonkey.com. And we have heard you loud and clear. From the data gathered, below are the results for changes that will affect Orientation Week 2017.

More white people: It’s no longer enough for orientation committee to be proud of their white shirts. They need to go a step further: They need to BE white. If the position of white shirt really is a status symbol, it makes logical sense that white people should fulfill this role, considering the privilege they already possess.

Zero-tolerance for dancing: You can call me Reverend Shaw, because this orientation week is gonna be just like Footloose. No twerking, shaking, bumping, grinding, twisting, dabbing or even nae, naeing! The orientation committee needs to be held accountable for encouraging impure thoughts and the consumption of that devil-worshipping rock and roll music!

Education about the dangers of “political correctness”: Inclusive language? Not in this house. Safe spaces? I think that the Corn Boil counts. Campuses around the country have fostered a political climate that is too jarring and inhospitable for incoming students. It is time to do away with “PC” language and let the class of 2021 be themselves: talented young individuals, blissfully unaware of those pesky racist and misogynistic tendencies! The revised orientation week will include several workshops such as: “The Millennial Peril,” “A Warning about Trigger Warnings”  and “Bro! It’s Just a Costume!”

Transform the karaoke BBQ into a two-night campout event: This crowd-pleaser will become a fully featured weekend blaster! Get ready for 48 nonstop hours of skits and trivia. Enjoy the goofy hijinks of white shirts under the stars! And fear not, those lovable security guards will still be there to keep you safe from tetanus and ghostly apparitions of the dead swans!

Recognizing the hard work of white shirts: The orientation committee demands more respect! Student leaders have made it clear that their hard work needs validation. To remedy this, a student leader-studded gala will be thrown at Convocation Hall, where white shirts will walk the red carpet and stand to win awards for their performances. The ceremony should evoke the true spirit of orientation: jockeying for social supremacy.


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