Sex Bomb: The best and worst places to construct your love fort on campus

So you’ve convinced yourself that having sex on campus is going to spice up that love life of yours, eh? It is my job to remind you at this point that there are a number of better decisions to be made in this life. After all, getting caught would kill the mood faster than a broken condom, and The Argosy has been hankering for an opportunity to say, ‘we told you so’. But hey, it’s your criminal record! If you’re going to do this, do it right. From worst to best, let’s explore the geography of getting ‘sextra-curricular’.

The dancefloor at the pub

While I suggest that sex surrounded by a bunch of sweaty drunks is not really something to be desired, residence remains a popular housing option. The pub has a few things going for it: everyone is too shitfaced to pay attention; the lighting is poor at best; and the loud music drowns everything out. Unfortunately, these advantages are only skin-deep: a satisfying podger is unlikely to occur if you’re so drunk that this kind of ‘dance’ seems like a good idea.

The library

As the centrepiece of academic life, the library is an obvious choice for those looking for some hands-on sex ed. Unfortunately for you, the Pickard Bell is laid out like a panopticon, and any noise louder than a pin dropping is liable to attract unwelcome attention. There are ways around this—look for secluded, dimly lit, and poorly utilized areas—but such precautions are a poor match for the gaze of staff and the appetite for knowledge of your fellow students.

The roof of meal hall

Extreme sport enthusiasts, take note! The roof of Jennings  offers a one-of-a-kind view of Sackville’s night sky—and the interiors of two residences. Remember that if you can see someone, they can see you. If your innermost desire is to be the subject of voyeurism, we can’t stop you. Just don’t get stuck—if the fire department has to come to the rescue, the embarrassment will be the least of your worries.

The chapel balcony

By far the most beautiful and intimate space on campus, the chapel’s balcony is probably the only location on this list that could be called romantic: the stained glass, architecture, and low risk of interruption knock it out of the park—so long as you’re okay having a ménage à trois with the Holy Ghost. Be careful not to get too close to the organ, either—nothing will alert innocent bystanders to your presence like a blast from the pipes.

Convocation Hall

Con Hall is a great place to graduate with a Bachelor of Exhibitionism. Find a reason to book the building and look forward to disrobing backstage—it’s not like you’ll be shaking Peter Mansbridge’s hand if someone finds you mid-rehearsal.

Owens Art Gallery

Art and sex go together like peanut butter and jelly. Much of the Owens is under video surveillance, so reconnaissance is a must. You have two options: get as far away from the art as possible, or wait for an installation to come along with work that can be entered, such as a sculpture. If you get caught, claim it’s performance art.

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