By Anus Oddlysmall
In a campus-quaking move this week, Mt. St. A’s student’s union, the ASSU, has successfully moved the Fall reading week to earlier in the semester. According to a public press release thrown from a student centre window tied to a rock, the ASSU had been hearing from students that the scheduled reading week came too late in the semester. Students found that the long gap with no break from academics in October and November caused lower grades, extreme stress and, in some rare cases, shingles. In order to counteract this and please the ravenous student body before a violent insurrection could occur, the ASSU successfully advocated for the Fall reading week to be moved, now taking place during the first week of classes in September.
“So, we heard that students were stressed out by how long they had to wait for reading week,” read another ASSU message tied to an even larger rock. “So, we decided to really strike at the root of the problem and found that these classes cause a lot of stress for our students. So, we pulled some strings, threw a little money around and boom-shaka-laka, reading week gets rolling out to everyone faster than ever before. That’s efficiency babyyyy.”
Many students are ecstatic about the change. “Everyone knows those first few classes where you have to read those long, complicated syllabuses are always the worst,” said one student. “Now, I can get all settled into my dorm and immediately fly back home without even having to miss a beat!” Another student, Frank Snoopy, was delighted at the potential this change could bring to campus life. “If reading week starts when classes start, do classes ever start? Are we finally free?” Others, including Backyardigans Role-Play Club President Jimmy Slims, are less excited about the expeditious break. “I was hoping we could abolish the practice altogether. The club really slows down once everyone leaves for a whole week. Last time, we didn’t have a Tyrone or a Tasha. It’s just awful for the flow of it all.”
While it is unclear exactly how this change will play out or affect the health of students at this point, the idea is being celebrated nationwide as “revolutionary.” Universities across Canada are considering moving the break earlier, with some even floating the idea of a reading week occurring during the existing summer break. On a sticky note attached to a globe which fell from yet another student center window, ASSU executives thanked the student body for inspiring them. “We owe it all to you! Now can someone please unlock the door to our office, we’ve already eaten all the erasers.”
