By Anus Oddlysmall
According to eyewitness reports, it started out just like any normal class. The students came in, took their seats, noodled around on their iPads and computers, that one artsy fartsy guy in the beanie took out his very tiny notebook, etc. Dr. Crown walked in and received a few nods of recognition from his pupils, before setting up at the front of the room. Class began with brief discussion of the assigned readings, which the majority of the class had of course, not completed. In order to mediate the situation, Dr. Crown queued up a quick summary video on the popular slime tutorial site “youtube.com.” Both students and teacher quickly realized that the volume was much too quiet. Knowing something had to be done, Dr. Crown enacted nothing short of a miracle.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said one tearful student, “He did it so quickly, I hardly noticed.” Dr. Crown reportedly simply moved the mouse with one fell swoop and quickly adjusted the volume bar on the video player to a respectable level. “There wasn’t any muttering or nothin’,” said another student, “he didn’t even accidentally minimize the screen! I was shocked. In that moment, he was everything.” After the miraculous act, the students sat frozen in awe at the feat they had just witnessed. One student became hysterical and ran out of the classroom, frothing at the mouth. Soon after, the remaining students began to slow clap (in a non-ironic way) which built into a raucous applause, which would continue to build into a campus-wide parade in only a few minutes.
To honour their monumental accomplishment, Mt. St. A has collaborated with the United Nations and governments worldwide to award Dr. Crown for their courage with the distinguished Purple Heart award. While the award has in the past only been awarded to those wounded or killed while serving in the U.S. military, a global consensus has been reached that Dr. Crown’s actions on that fateful day were equally as noble. There has even been talks of a new Ballsackville flag featuring Dr. Crown’s heroic visage. Plus, rumour has it that a religion has begun in a King Street basement honouring the professor. While the hero could not be reached for comment, we wish him the absolute best. God save our troops!
