by anonymous
I have a list
Thirty-six names long
Curated over one week
It’s called “bad men”
You can only fucking imagine.
The innocuous
The powerful
Boys down the hall.
This list burns a hole in my heart
For all the people
Who had to add someone
For all the people
Who’ve never read it
For everyone who has read it
And lost friends because of it.
The List sits heavy in my stomach
An ache I carry
Everywhere I go.
I want everyone to read it
And everyone to know
I want people to know for their safety
So everyone can watch them at bars
Glare at them on campus
And add names to The List
Because thirty-six is a lot
But it isn’t close to them all.
I want the men on The List
To know they are there
That their crime
Is not unacknowledged.
I want them to fear me
To fear the knowledge
I brandish with both hands
To experience a fraction of the fear
We know walking home alone
Or out with friends
To know my glare isn’t just my bitch face
But resides deeper
Burns brighter
Is directed
Knows
I know this list is dangerous.
I feel the power of it.
Made public it could ruin lives
And I’m half tempted anyway
Because to be on this list
You have harmed another human profoundly.
What stops me from sharing it
Is not because I value their lives
Nor is it for my own safety
It’s for the safety of those
Who are the reason someone is on the list.
For the person who once
Felt brave enough
Or sad enough
To share their trauma with another
And who did not know
At the time
That his name would make its way
Back to me
To The List.
List dynamics are complicated
Black and brown men are over-represented
White rapists are under-represented
There are no women on The List.
Complicated complicated
I do not trust
The system named “Justice”
To do right by survivors
I don’t trust its racist violent nature
To handle The List
The way it should be handled
How should it be handled?
Complicated complicated.
I’m tired of carrying it alone
Among a small group
Of strong people
Who are also deeply tired.
So for now it resides here
In a poem I do not know
If I’ll have the strength
To read aloud.
Thirty-six names
And growing