On the flip side of that, haven’t we all also had those couples that we’ve hoped would break up because they were unhealthy, toxic and/or abusive? The real question is about what we see as healthy and unhealthy, and what really is healthy and unhealthy. While the terms “healthy relationship” and “unhealthy relationship” are often associated with romantic relationships, any kind of relationship we have in our lives can fall under those categories.

The dangerous part is when relationships are presented to us as healthy, stable and ideal when they are, in reality, toxic and unhealthy. Disney relationships are a perfect example of this. While Disney is all sorts of magical, let’s recognize that the romantic relationship in Beauty and the Beast involved a hostage exchange and some high-key Stockholm syndrome. Not to mention that relationships represented in pop culture are, for the most part, incredibly heteronormative, and there is still a serious lack of representation of couples who do not consist of straight, cisgender men and women. This misrepresentation in media leaves the consumers of that media, especially our youth, vulnerable to believing that abuse and toxic behaviour is actually an equivalent of love.

It’s also important to remember that while abusive behaviour can manifest itself publicly and obviously, it is also often hidden away behind closed doors. The truth is that we don’t always know the reality of the couples we idealize, and this is something we must take into account when receiving disclosure from survivors of intimate partner violence and unhealthy relationships, in order to avoid invalidating their experiences with harmful comments such as “Really? But they seem so nice to me!”

There is a lot of discourse surrounding red flags in relationships, the little incidents and comments that serve as warnings for abusive and toxic behaviour that follow them. While it is important to recognize and talk about those red flags, I think it is healthy and beneficial to talk about the green flags in our relationships: the positive behaviours that create a healthy foundation to build a relationship on top of. Here are a few (of many) green flags that we should all strive to have, not only in our romantic relationships, but in every kind of relationship, whether it be with a friend, a coworker or a family member.

• A relationship where each person’s boundaries are communicated and respected
• A relationship where there are equal amounts of trust on each side
• A relationship wherein you value each other’s opinions and can disagree and work through arguments healthily
• A relationship free of manipulation, coercion and degradation
• A relationship that supports individual personal growth and goals
• A relationship that knows how to compromise
• A relationship where each party feels completely safe and secure
• A relationship wherein you communicate openly and honestly your needs, boundaries, fears and feelings

When we consume media representations of romantic relationships (or relationships of any kind), we have to think critically about what we’re being fed and how it actually translates to our own realities. One reality we all share is that we’re deserving of healthy relationships full of every green flag you can possibly think of and that we are surrounded by those who support us in asserting that reality should we find ourselves in an unhealthy relationship.

If you are wondering if your relationship is healthy, you can get a healthy relationship assessment at SHARE. Just email share@mta.ca to make an appointment.

Unfortunately, going out can come with its own worries, and this year is no different. So far this semester, there have been disclosures of suspected drink spiking at off-campus parties and local drinking establishments. This is not the first year that SHARE has heard about drink tampering and the use of date-rape drugs in Sackville. As part of SHARE’s Sexual Violence Prevention Strategy, each month has a theme that corresponds to issues faced on campus. October’s theme is safer partying and awareness surrounding drink-spiking, date-rape drugs and how to respond to an incident.

So, what can we do in order to feel safer when we go out? What can we do to keep each other safer? We can turn our fear into awareness and we can all take a stand as active bystanders.

If you notice a friend, acquaintance or stranger who seems too drunk, weak, disoriented or disinhibited for the amount of alcohol they’ve consumed, then it may be a case of drink-spiking. In order to be an active bystander, there are five easy steps anyone can take:

• Notice the event

You may notice either the actual act of drink-spiking – such as someone hovering around an unattended drink – or its aftermath. You may also hear someone mention they have such a plan. While this does not mean you have to always be on high alert, being informed on the issue and knowing what to watch for is always helpful.

• Interpret it as a problem

Any act of drink-spiking is a problem! If anyone says they are going to tamper with a drink or puts something in someone else’s drink, or if you see the signs of someone acting odd, it’s a problem!

• Assume personal responsibility

As friends, peers and members of this community, we all have a responsibility to keep each other safe. We may think someone else will take action. Or we may think we will be interfering or unwelcome if we try to do anything. But we need to recognize that we all have the power to step in and take a stand against sexual violence.

• Know how to help

There are many ways that you can step in and help, they are the four Ds: Direct, Distract, Delegate and Delay. If you hear someone talking about doing something, or that a friend plans to do something, or if you see someone spiking a drink, you could go talk to them directly. You can delegate by telling security, bouncers, other patrons or the hosts of the establishment or event. You can warn others, try to intercept the drink, distract the perpetrator or remove whoever is being targeted from the situation. If you see someone who you believe has had their drink spiked and is experiencing the effects of it, you can call 911 and clearly state you think someone has been date-rape drugged, take them to a safe space, surround them with friends or trustworthy assistance and reassure them. You can also contact SHARE, by call or text at 506-540-7427, for help, advice and counselling.

And if someone tells you they think they were drugged, you can assure them that you believe them and help them find the right help and resources.

• Take a stand!

Put all of the four Ds into action! Simply understanding bystander intervention makes you more likely to intervene! Taking a stand can be scary, but we’re all capable of it because, in the end, taking a stand is about channelling the empathy for others we all have inside of us.

So as the school year goes on, let’s continue to go out with our friends to unwind and have fun, but let’s go armed with the knowledge we need to be fully confident in speaking out against sexual violence and standing up for each other.

If you have experienced any form of sexual violence, SHARE is great way to care for yourself or a friend! Email share@mta.ca, or call or text 506-540-7427. The sexual assault nurse examiner is located at 135 MacBeath Ave. in Moncton. If you are interested in receiving active bystander training or in becoming an active bystander trainer, contact share@mta.ca.

Mount Allison students love to volunteer and many sign up for clubs, societies and even services like SHARE hoping to make a difference on campus and in the community. But do students always feel prepared?

“SHARE has to adapt to the needs of our campus community,” explained Melody Petlock, the SHARE advisor. “So when student volunteers, such as residence SHARE house reps, told me they were receiving disclosures [of sexual violence], I thought about what could be done.”

Petlock felt that the sentiment of “It’s not our job” was inconsistent with being a trauma-aware and caring campus community. “We need to be there when survivors need us, so I try to train as many people as possible to be allies and to know how to respond to disclosures,” she said.

It is also important for people to know how to care for themselves in the wake of a disclosure of sexual violence. While many members of the Mount Allison community, including faculty, have received Response to Disclosure training, there was a clear need for further education on the topics of disclosure and self-care.

“Burnout and secondary wounding are big issues in sexualized violence response, so it’s an important part of our training,” explained Ashley Hall, a training and outreach worker with the South East Sexual Assault Centre (SESAC). As caring, empathetic individuals, it is easy to adopt the pain of others with the hope of helping them lighten their load. However, in order to be at our most able to empower and lift up others, it is absolutely necessary to prioritize ourselves.

Both SESAC and SHARE aim to equip students with the knowledge and tools they need to respond to disclosure of sexual violence and for a lifetime of good self-care.

After a month of delivering training and Orientation Week activities such as a consent campus takeover, Petlock was delighted when SESAC agreed to bring their volunteer training workshop to Mt. A.

The training, which is taking place over the course of two Sundays, is led by Petlock and Hall, who deliver the information on disclosure and self-care in a way that is informative and asks the participants to reflect on themselves and their own experiences. The two sessions include several self-care breaks; activities aimed at sparking thought on privilege, intersectionality and their roles in response to disclosure; and roundtable discussions.

Both Petlock and Hall were very open to answering any question participants had about the services that their organizations provide, and both were eager to shed light on certain facets of sexual violence that are often forgotten. These included conversations about specialized groups such as elderly women, members of the LGBT2Q+ community, male survivors, survivors who are children, and the way in which housing is provided by organizations such as SESAC for survivors of sexual and domestic abuse.

The first responder to disclosure session began with a discussion about the group norms and the hopes and fears of all the participants, lead by Petlock. Some of the community standards the group established were: respecting each other’s pronouns, confidentiality, “sharing the air,” advocating for yourself and others, respecting boundaries, taking breaks, inclusivity and listening to others without judgement. These are all important standards that SHARE and its volunteers will maintain and promote at Mt. A.

The training also covered information about SHARE and Mt. A’s Sexual Violence Response and Prevention Policy, as well as information about SESAC, feminist work and important issues like power, privilege, intersectionality and how these impact victims and workers in the area of sexualized violence.

The session was well attended by both returning and new volunteers. It included the two SHARE student assistants (myself included), the two Walk-Home coordinators, members of the Women and Gender Studies Society Executive, the Music Society Executive, house representatives from most of the campus residences and several general volunteers.

By the end of the training, the students will have earned a non-credit certificate of completion. I myself am looking forward to next week’s training session, where there will be an emphasis on understanding consent, laws and procedures in order to better support survivors. This knowledge is valuable, as it can be used to answer the questions and needs of survivors.

Like SHARE, SESAC adopts a trauma-informed approach that is sensitive to the individual needs of survivors, continually adapting its services to meet their diverse needs. “We need to meet people where they’re at and proceed from that point,” said Hall.

SHARE offers crisis response, confidential advice and referral to members of Mount Allison’s Sexual Assault Response Team for counselling, health care and even help to arrange financial advising. SHARE can help with campus issues such as imposing interim safety measures while complaints are being processed, administering no-contact agreements and setting up internal investigations in response to student complaints. The service also refers survivors and their allies to community resources such as the police, the hospital and organizations like SESAC.

SESAC offers free, confidential, specialized sexual assault violence services, including crisis and long-term counselling, both in person and through a 24-hour crisis line. Both SHARE and SESAC offer survivor support groups, information and referrals to other community agencies.

As mentioned above, the trauma of a loved one, friend, family member, acquaintance or stranger can in turn be traumatizing to the person they are disclosing to. SHARE is prepared to provide counselling and support to friends of survivors and SESAC does work with both friends and family.

SHARE will also accompany students to off-campus services upon request. “It’s all about being there for students,” Petlock said. “I’ll do what they need – what helps them.”SHARE is Mount Allison’s on campus service for the prevention, education and response to any form of sexual violence. If you have experienced any form of sexual violence, SHARE is a great way to care for yourself or a friend! Melody Petlock can be contacted through share@mta.ca or by phone through 506-540-7427.