Big brother is always watching
By Jack Daniel Hennessy
Have you ever been dancing to some mid 2000s pop song at Dicky’s Bar when BAM — someone pushes you aside so they can get through? Well folks, I can confirm some good news: Dicky’s released new penalties for infuriating misdemeanours committed at the bar. Owner, Al Koholik says he was shocked it got to this point. “I figured a bunch of strongly worded Instagram story posts would have made our patrons behave,” he said. “We have actually seen more bumping and weird make-out sessions.” Rather than targeting fighting or actual problematic issues, Koholik is enacting harsh penalties on the “annoying moments that ruin your night.”
Rapping a song into your situationship’s face, thinking it is impressing them (it is not): 10 years of hard labour.
Have you ever been the victim of a chopped man rapping the entirety of Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” in your face? Dicky’s wanted to extend its deepest sympathies to you. Justice will be served, and soon enough, you can enjoy your night in peace.
Taking photos with a digital camera flash that is WAY too bright in the bar: Forced destruction of your camera.
No, you did not just stare into the sun. Someone just thought it would be a good idea to take a photo using a flash brighter than a Ford F-150’s high beams. Disaster strikes the next day when you see yourself in the background of someone’s Instagram post, squinting because you could not duck fast enough from the flash.
A line of people holding hands to get through the bar exceeding three: Lifetime ban and an apology letter to everyone you walked through.
Because genuinely, where are these people going??? “There is nothing worse than a never-ending group parading through the bar like they have somewhere to be,” says Koholik. “Today, that changes.” He announced mandatory apology letters written to anyone affected.
Frat flicking on the stage: Required to handclean the Dicky’s bathrooms with a sponge for the next five years.
“First of all, shame on you for ever thinking you could get away with this,” he said. “Your actions have traumatized innocent patrons, and I promise we are all laughing at you.” Koholik said that “you can frat flick yourself all the way to the bathrooms, where you will not leave until the walls are free of piss.”
Bumping into someone and not saying you’re sorry: Therapy.
“This one is more so focused on rehabilitation,” says Koholik. “Pushing people out of the way and NOT even apologizing? I just have one question, who hurt you?” Dicky’s generously announced they will pay for your therapy sessions until you are mature enough to return to the bar.
Singing “Wagonwheel” at karaoke night: Life without parole in the Dorchester Penitentiary.
“Holy shit, I actually hate that song so fucking much. Why does some random guy named ‘Dylan’ have to sing it at every single karaoke night?!!!!” said Koholik. “If you do so much as to request that god-forsaken song, you will spend the rest of your days in the Dorkfester Penistentiary.”
Koholik also announced several new policy updates:
-Cover-free night for the girls will also include the gays. A win for 2SLGBTQIA+ representation!
-On 2010s pop nights, we will actually play more than just Pitbull and Rihanna.
-After several reported coat thefts, we are hiring more football players to monitor the coat rack. If someone steals your jacket, trust that we will hunt that person down.
-Wearing a backwards basketball jersey as your Halloween costume is now banned. Do better.
-Forced removal if you do not know the main chorus to “Heave Away.”
Koholik said, “at Dicky’s, we are going to take action against the minor inconveniences that really do not matter.” Through these harsh new punishments, Dicky’s hopes that patrons will not have their Maritime bar experience ruined any longer.