By Son of a Birch
It has been 48 hours since Canada was officially deemed a member of the United States of America. Numerous changes have taken effect, and it is uncertain what will be in store in the next few weeks. Within the first hour of Prime Minister-turned Governor Mark Carnage signing over Canada to President Donald Dump, a swarm of Eagles flew into the new state. Honestly, a swarm is an understatement, think of the scene in Wicked when the flying monkeys first appear. Meanwhile, every beaver across Canada simultaneously passed. In the words of Nova Scotia resident Bruce “Beaverman” Estabrooks, “suddenly all my pets just fell to their sides, [loud sniff] never in my wildest dreams would I have expected Benny, Bernadette, Bernard, and the rest to have such a fate!” he shuddered as he wiped tears from his eyes with a beavertail handkerchief.
Bob Lawblog, the owner of Atlantic Stupidstore, Rose’s Your Incompetent Grocer, and other President’s Noice carriers is facing lawsuits and boycotts left, right, and centre. In an interview, Loblaw (“blahblahblah” in the words of President Dump) stated “this opportunity has been here all along, when I found out Canada would become part of the U.S. I was so excited to rebrand the President’s Noice logo to include Dump’s portraits.” However, Loblaw is “saddened and confused” by a sudden boycotting of his store products.
Additionally, Dump has released an executive order that all Canadian currency is no longer valid but can be exchanged for U.S. dollars. No independent stores are allowed to accept Canadian dollars and Dump is determined to put it out of circulation as soon as possible. In an interview as to why Dump is making this currency swap such an urgency, he replied “Triopoly has had their money taken for far too long. It’s time we gave Hasbros back their belongings.” Hasbros, meanwhile, stated “I think the president may be confused, but we’re not complaining! Let’s bring back the Canadian economy in 2028.”
The Canadian officials at Niagara Falls are devastated by the statehood, explaining that “it’s lost its wow factor.” There is no sense in paying a dollar to cross the border because there is no longer a national border here. What started as a bridge between two countries is just a bridge over a river. We have those everywhere, Niagara Falls has lost what it had going for it.
Countless other controversies have erupted, too many to mention in this Anarchy article. Here are some other headlines from the past 48 hours:
- Poutine has been rebranded as “Freedom Fries with Gravy,” causing Quebec to consider joining France out of sheer defiance.
- In the American dictionary “eh” is added as an official punctuation mark, whilst the word “zed” is officially banned: Z is only accepted as “zee” from now on.
- Canada’s drinking age is raised to 21, causing Canadians to riot immediately, and drastically raising depression rates among 18–20 year-olds.
- Jim Snortons across Canada have simultaneously shut down, to be replaced by Drunkin’ in the very near future.
