By Cock and Balls
Are you a sick pervert who enjoys having a concept of a relationship? Then having a long distance relationship while at Mt. St. A may just be for you. But these relationships fucking suck so, to not feel as though you are talking to the voices instead of a ‘girl who goes to a different school,’ here are 10 tips to survive your long-distance relationship.
One – Mixed schedules?
Have weekend plans but somebody has a Friday afternoon lab? To make sure you get to spend time together when it is so fleeting — call in a bomb threat to your significant other’s school to get them excused.
Two – Frequent arguments?
If you feel like the bickering is nonstop, there is a simple solution. Make sure to sign them up for the military where they will learn discipline and respect. Time to serve, hunny.
Three – Having doubts?
If you are feeling suspicious of your partner when they are hundreds of kilometres away, make sure to hire a private investigator to watch them constantly, to soothe some of that anxiety.
Four – Emotional manipulation…
Are you worried your partner is not thinking about you while you are away? Text them ominous messages that make you seem as though you are a threat to yourself and/or others. This is sure to get your phone lighting up with texts from your beloved.
Five – Extra security!
Do you ever feel that you can’t ensure the safety of your partner? Installing cameras in their house is a sure-fire way to guarantee their safety! Just make sure that they are unaware of their existence.
Six – Whore out and drop out
Having a keepsake from your relationship can often evoke sentimental feelings when you are missing your partner. But, the ultimate keepsake is a child. Have a baby and drop out. Just give up and do not get married.
Seven – Scheduled communication
True love often means doting affection, but when you are far apart it can seem unrealistic. So, set up scheduled communication to stare at each other over the phone in complete silence. Romance is undivided attention, after all.
Eight – Mail them your hair
I will send you approximately 12 inches of my hair. You can put it under your pillow, under your socks, in your underwear. I expect at least six inches back so I can sew it into my replica doll. Please check your mail for my hair.
Nine – Just break up
Look, relationships are not for everyone. If you can not do it, the best thing you can do for your partner (and your bank account) is do it over text and then block their number.
Ten – Get so high you say ‘hi’
If you are longing to see your partner and escape from your lonesome reality — find the most illicit substances you can and nod off. By inducing hallucinations, you can imagine you and your partner together once again.
