100% (maybe-possibly) accurate horoscopes!

Capricorn (22 Dec – 20 Jan): It’s time to face your problems head on, Capricorn. No more avoiding it: charge right in, and make sure to grab a helmet before you do (just in case).

Aquarius (21 Jan – 19 Feb): Watch your mouth this week Aquarius, before something you say bites you on the behind or, worse, someone comes over there and washes it out with soap.

Pisces (20 Feb – 20 Mar): You may be feeling paranoid this week Pisces, but don’t worry: the world is in fact out to get you. Nothing to do about it but wait it out.

Aries (21 Mar – 19 Apr): No matter what people tell you, I want you to keep in mind one thing: if you thing joining the circus is your destiny, go for it. (Just don’t become a clown. They’re creepy.)

Taurus (20 Apr – 20 May): You’re looking for love in all the wrong places Taurus. Forget the bar scene and the club crowd, if you want to find that warm glow there’s only one thing for it: buy a cat.

Gemini (21 May – 21 Jun): Expect a walk down memory lane sometime soon Gemini. Also expect that you will realize that you have either blocked or never remembered those memories to begin with.

Cancer (22 Jun – 23 Jul): You’ve got some beautiful people around you Cancer. Yes, you yourself might be average, but at least you can bask in the glow of the success of others. Enjoy it.

Leo (24 Jul – 23 Aug): Oh dear, oh my poor Leo… the stars and the crystal ball and the tea leaves are conspiring against you… I’m afraid you have the Grim! BEWARE THE GRIM!!

Virgo (24 Aug – 22 Sept): Good things come in threes, so if you get at least one (I don’t promise that) than expect two more. Three good luck stars for Virgo! You go Virgo.

Libra (23 Sept – 22 Oct): Well Libra, you’ve done some great things, be it graduating by the skin of your teeth or binge watching Netflix, which will lead you to finally accepting that this is as good as it will get.

Scorpio (23 Oct – 22 Nov): You know what Scorpio? Just don’t worry about it. Kick back, relax; you just do you and I’ll make sure to send my condolences by mail.

Sagittarius (23 Nov – 21 Dec): Advice to all the Sagittarius out there: untwist your knickers and have fun. And I’m being literal here: it’s hard to enjoy oneself when you have a wedgie.

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