Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, Antonin Scalia, found dead

Twenty-nine-year U.S. Supreme Court veteran found dead by friends on quail hunting trip

Mere days ago, a great judicial power was taken from us before his time. On February 13, Associate Justice Antonin Scalia passed away under very suspicious circumstances, as he was only a mere 79 years young and fairly out of shape. Certainly the pillow that was found covering his face that fateful morning will be investigated and the truth will be found.

As a Constitutional Originalist, Justice Scalia believed that the Constitution of the United States of America was a text which had to be interpreted as though the world had not changed, but remained firmly and socially in 1787. Scalia believed that he was capable of discerning the meaning of these words, written by white men almost 230 years ago – quite the accomplishment indeed!

Part and parcel of this stance on constitutional interpretation was holding the title of Keeper of the Wigs. The job of the Wig Keeper was to maintain the wigs worn by the Founding Fathers. Every single day, Justice Scalia would wear all of the wigs for a minimum of two hours while reading the constitution audibly, thereby imbuing the wigs with a Constitutional Ether which keeps them from decaying.

This man was a patriot of unparalleled quality. Rumours have circulated that he had every word of the Constitution tattooed all over his body for quick references and better access during important Supreme Court decisions. This is why he was always completely nude beneath his long flowing Robes of Supreme Stature. This is why there was no autopsy performed, so that these rumours could never be confirmed or denied and certainly not because the Obama administration coordinated the death of Extremely Good Patriot Antonin Scalia.

Justice Scalia will be remembered fondly by all of those that had the opportunity to meet him or be affected by his decisions as part of the Supreme Court of the United States. Foremost of these groups of people will most definitely be the women of America, who, without him and his amazing and endless knowledge of the female body, would have no idea what to do with themselves. Surely they will look back on the attempts by Scalia to overturn Roe v. Wade as for their benefit, because who better than a man of privilege, especially one who could write so well, to help women be forced to make decisions about their bodies?

Justice Scalia leaves behind myriad decisions, a legacy that will probably be looked on fondly for decades to come. What comes next is quite complicated; will Obama nominate a new justice? Will Congress block his nomination? Who will become the new Keeper of the Wigs? Many questions are left to be answered in the wake of this amazing patriotic judge’s death.

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