In a shocking, and frankly devastating turn of events, The Argosy editorial office has removed its beloved people-sized hamster tubes and exercise wheels. This decision has left the staff dazed and confused, and not the fun kind (which usually happens after spinning around on the exercise wheel).
Gone are the production nights when I would have a quick jog on the wheel to get the creative juices flowing. No longer can a reporter zip around through the dense maze of coloured, transparent, plastic tubes to avoid a conversation about impending deadlines. Without these contraptions how am I expected to get anything done? I cannot answer an email at my desk anymore, I must do it in the tubes.
“This is an attack on journalism,” said Maika Branch, The Argosy’s Arts and Culture Editor. Branch was, until last week, training for the office’s annual wheel-run fundraiser, where we would raise money for crucial office supplies, things like massive bags of wood chips, fluff, and grains. “I don’t even care about the free coffee and snacks anymore, I worked here for the tubes,” she explained.
The tubes were originally installed in 1988 as part of an effort to increase office morale and ever since then, they have been the heart and soul of The Argosy office. Sure, the custodial staff would complain about the buildup of sunflower seeds in the tubes, and I’m sure they didn’t like replacing the edges of the tubes when people would chew on them, but goddammit those are minor inconveniences compared to the joy one could feel in the tubes.
We can’t forget the wheels either, I mean, who could? I personally have had MANY creative breakthroughs after sprinting full tilt for hours on end. One time I was so shocked by my idea that I tripped in the wheel and was spinning for a full two minutes incapacitated. It wasn’t just exercise for us, it was therapy. Several staff members claim that they wouldn’t have made it through exam season without those wheels.
Now, with the tubes and wheels unceremoniously removed, the office is a hollow shell of what it once was. All we have left are the spinny chairs with wheels on the bottom, which, don’t get me wrong, will keep me entertained for hours, but it’s just not the same. I tried crawling around on the floor the other day, just to see if I could feel even a fraction of the experience the tubes provided, but all I got was a verbal warning from my employer.
The office’s reason for their removal? Safety concerns. Allegedly the hamster wheel was “not designed for people” and “was stolen from an interactive science museum.” Yeah right. “It’s like they don’t even want us to succeed,” lamented an Argosy reporter who would prefer to remain anonymous. “I used to conduct all my interviews perched in the little ball attachment with the clear ceiling that would stick out the side of the tube, how the hell am I going to interview anyone now?”
Staff members are organizing a protest, complete with homemade signs that read “Bring Back the Wheel” and “No Tubes, No News.” They will be parading the academic quad with their signs held high throughout the coming weeks until the decision is reversed. Until this happens, productivity at The Argosy is expected to plummet, editors are predicting a significant drop in word count, creativity and frankly, happiness.
In the meantime, staff are considering alternative options, such as pogo sticks, small trampolines, or unicycles. But deep down, we all know nothing will ever compare to the thrill of sprinting through a six-foot tube while clutching a fresh copy of The Argosy. Rest in peace to the golden age of journalism at Mt. A.
