How to get a date this Valentine’s Day

It’s that time of year again: everyone’s scrambling about like chickens with their heads cut off, desperate to not be dateless on Valentine’s Day. Some choose to ignore the holiday (“You go! Work that independence!”) while some already have a date. (“Congrats! All the single people on campus thoroughly dislike you.”) For those wishing to not be alone, we have some advice which should prove helpful in snagging you a “special friend” for the festivities.

1. Look for people crying in the library on a Friday night. Odds are, they’re single and ready to mingle! Approach cautiously with chocolate and tissues.

2. Go to a date auction and buy a date. Someone has been paid to hang out with you, for a far better deal (and a better cause) than through, say, an escort service.

3. Go to a date auction and put yourself up as a date. It can work out both ways!

4. Try the Drew Nursing Home. There are some lovely ladies and gentlemen down there that I’m sure are looking for a good time. You’ll get a senior discount at most places and you know they’ll have you home nice and early.

5. Find an attractive cousin, take them out and pretend you’re not related. It might not be a “real” date but your friends don’t need to know that.

6. Grow a pair. Ask out that person you’ve been crushing – creeping – on all year long. Just do it.

7. Ice cream. Especially if number six fails, I know two great guys who are always up for a good time: Ben and Jerry. You can find them hanging out at the SaveEasy.

8. Buy a cat. Fluffy friends are the best. And you might as well get started on your crazy-cat-person future early, am I right?

9. Hide. All you have to do is stay indoors, pretend to be extremely sick, call your imaginary date and cancel, then call up your real date: Netflix.

10. Call Mom. Because when all else fails, at least you know your mom still loves you.

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