Some suggestions to help us climb back to the top spot in Maclean’s
Mount Allison usually tops Maclean’s annual list of best undergraduate universities in Canada, but this year we saw a slide into a measly fourth place. Fourth place is a place that doesn’t even get to stand on a podium in the Olympics. Fourth place is the place they give to dogs that are entered into dog shows that have just enough restraint to not eat their own turds, but not enough training to jump through the little hoops. Sure, it’s great that they aren’t stuffing their mouths with feces, but why can’t they jump through the little hoop on the track, those absolute idiots?
The good thing about coming in fourth though is that the heads of the university are now confronted with an issue; something must be changed at the school for us to climb back up to first. I have spent days locked in my room brainstorming solutions to this issue, and here is what I have come up with.
First, Mount Allison is known for its small class sizes and teacher- student familiarity: We must take this one step further. Why not host all classes in a closet, pack us in like sardines? No school will have smaller classes than us. Every square inch of class will be packed with flesh as the teachers struggles to read their notes due to their crippling claustrophobia-induced anxiety from being in a closet stuffed with 20+ twenty-somethings.
Second, I believe that we must make our president legally change his name to “#1 top dog of the best university.” This shows that our school is committed to this ranking. We will always be #1 to our glorious leader and he is so committed to his school that he will forever be known as the #1 top dog of the best university. Maclean’s will have to listen.
Next, we must deal with the biggest thing that knocked us down this year: the new student opinion poll that factored into our standing. Students were unhappy with a number of things, and informed Maclean’s through their online poll. This is a major problem. How can we prevent students from giving the school a bad name through these polls? Simple: We cut off all students’ fingers when they enroll at Mount Allison. The idea of fingerless students sounds like an issue in itself, though. How will arts kids write their papers and how will music kids play their clarinets without fingers? Once again I provide a simple answer: Take the tuition rebates that were never given back to students back in 2014 and buy every student a pair of prosthetic fingers which the university allows students to use during class and study time, but are taken away during Maclean’s polling time. This prevents the university from receiving poor reviews in online polls and the students get their rebate given back to them, even if it is in the form of plastic fingers. It’s a win-win situation. We can call this program “enhandced services.”
Finally, we must up our student life game. I think we should turn the new fine arts building into a sort of “ultra-pond,” a place where frosh and fourth years alike can go dance away their woes at all times of the day and party down to weekly nineties night events where they actually just play songs from 2004. I think we should call this new mega-bar “The Electric FuckSwamp”: like The Pond, but even grimier. Something for the kids.
These four things are surefire ways for our school to regain our number one ranking with Maclean’s. I offer them up to you, Mount Allison higher-ups, please take them into account. These ones are on me. I care about this meaningless ranking as much as you guys.
