Kalshi has Assford Realty at an 85 per cent chance to win
After an extensive legal battle over who gets to have the monopoly over Ballsackville, the judge has reached a conclusion: the two legal entities must battle in massive, mechanical humanoid suits like in the movie Pacific Rim.
The judge, who is on the record saying that “Pacific Rim fucking rules,” states this is the most fair way to settle the dispute “They both have enough money to bribe me, but I am not a man who can be bribed by anything other than large mechanical battle.”
The judge has ordered a very specific set of rules for the battle:
- The mechs MUST be roughly 200ft tall.
- The mechs must each represent their respective team through both their form and artistic design.
- The battle will consist of 12 five-minute rounds. If both mechs are left standing by the end of the 12th round the judge will be “dissapointed” and a winner will be chosen by a panel of impartial mech battle experts.
- Each mech can have one, thematically appropriate weapon to use on the other mech.
- Civilian casualties must be kept to under five per mech.
- There will be ZERO Godzilla-esque monsters or creatures to influence the match or scare the judge.
Anarchy reporters asked both Mt. St. A and Assford Realty about the artistic design of their mechs, Mt. St. A refused to comment in order to “keep it a surprise” but inside sources say it will be a 210ft tall mech modeled after Monty the Mountie wearing football gear, including a large A on the chest and wielding a hammer to try and induce CTEs in its opponent.
Mt. St. A’s mech pilot will be the same individual who wears the mascot suit.
Assford Realty’s mech will be “large and affordable” they say, “It’s going to feel modern, but not so modern that it loses that homey charm we’re known for” Sources tell Anarchy reporters “large and affordable” actually means 180ft tall and a bajillion dollars with an additional bajillion dollars required as a non-refundable safety deposit. The mech appears as if it has no weapons, but is equipped with two Iron-Man-esque firearms in the palm of the mech’s hands.
It is reported that the pilot of the Assford Realty mech will be a random inhabitant of an Assford realty owned property, in exchange for $400 off their rent.
Assford Realty intended to demonstrate their mech to the public prior to the battle, but had to cancel the event due to the elevator that lifts the pilot into the mech being down for maintenance.
The town of Ballsackville invites all to view the battle from a distance on April 15 at 7p.m., warning audiences that “there’ll be mechanical violence too awesome to look away from, epic explosions that might blow your hat off, and potentially lethal debris raining from the sky in a 10km radius.”