Aries (March 21 – April 19): Running Club!
You thought to yourself, what could I do this year that is totally unique and really important to you as an individual, and then came up with the novel idea of waking up early and going on a run. This is probably good for your health, both mental and physical, but I don’t care to hear it, I’m at a very rotten time in my life and I want to keep it that way.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A Year of Restraint
You’ve decided that this year, you are going to practice restraint in all aspects of your life, no more blacking out, unless it’s like, someone’s birthday or something. No more late night fast food runs, unless you don’t have much to cook at home… I guess. And definitely no more working too hard, you deserve a break.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): The Year of Kindness!
This year you are going to stop being a hater. Probably. Unless it’s deserved. Because sometimes it is. But when it’s not, you are going to stop hating on things unnecessarily! It’s probably a good exercise in empathy and gratitude, etc., etc… Oh my god who cares I’m getting bored already. What else am I supposed to talk about if not the way that others mildly irritate me in probably the same way I mildly irritate them.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): The Year You Become Literate
You haven’t committed to what you’re going to be reading, so the possibilities are endless really, it could be books for class, your twitter feed, the words on street signs as you pass them, the sky really is the limit!
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): You didn’t make one (annoying)
You didn’t really feel like making a resolution this year. The structure of time was invented by man to ease the cataclysmic realization that we exist for less than a fraction of a second in comparison to the universe’s timeline. So why should we tie the ability to improve ourselves to the Earth’s relative position to the sun? You constantly are trying to improve (yet never appear to get anything done).
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You didn’t make one (chill)
Yeah you just didn’t really feel like it this year, you’re just gonna play it by ear, see how things go, and do your best 🙂 .
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23): No Contact… Fine. Some Contact.
Listen, we’re all guilty of it, but you gotta learn from your mistakes eventually. Or maybe they really have changed this time, who knows, fifth time’s the charm after all!
Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21): Screentime Savant
You’ve decided to maximize your screentime this year. Phone: on 24/7. Laptop: also on 24/7. IPad: You guessed it, on 24/7. By the end of next year you’ll have effectively lobotomized your attention span, which is probably not the best thing in the world but at least you’ve dedicated yourself to something.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Conscription!
Your resolution for this year is that when you get conscripted to go fight in WW3, you’ll do it with a can-do attitude! God, this place sucks huh.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): The Year of Presence
This year, you resolve to not skip any classes. This is probably the hardest resolution to keep out of them all, but you are a strong willed, powerful, and determined individual. I am confident in your ability to attend all of your classes so long as they don’t start before 10 a.m.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): The Year of the Juggler
This one is real, the other ones are too but this one is real real. I think it’d be cool if you learned how to juggle this year, or some other weird party trick/skill that doesn’t really benefit your day-to-day life. Or don’t. I don’t really care.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): The year of being vulnerable
I realize that I can be rather callous sometimes, but I will admit: I do care if Aquarius learns a new skill — I just was scared of being made fun of for being too chalant. I don’t really want to put the work in to better myself in that capacity this year so I encourage you to do it in my stead. Be vulnerable and like things without remorse, to be cringe is to be free. Just understand that if it’s too cringe then yeah you’ll probably be made fun of.