A code has been sent to your childhood home, please fetch it and type in the code to continue
In case you don’t find accessing your email to be annoying enough, after Outlook’s recent changes, you’re going to be required to confirm your identity again. And again. Microsoft and their new leadership have been keeping the details of the change close to their chest for “cybersecurity reasons,” but from what we’ve been able to gather, the new sign in process will look like:
Step One: Sign in using your email address and password
Step Two: Enter the four-digit code sent to your authenticating device
Step Three: A letter has been sent to your childhood home. Retrieve it. It contains a 16-digit code and instructions.
The instructions will dictate that you must either:
- Carve the 16 digits into your flesh
- Locations are TBD
- Scan the letter with a UV light and find the other, hidden, 16 digit code
- Then… y’know… Carve those digits into your flesh
- Locations are still TBD
After successfully completing the third authentication step, you will need to sacrifice a small animal to Outlook and its benefactors, then, pray for 40 days and 40 nights. If done correctly, another letter will be sent; this time, to the childhood home of your Microsoft-approved soulmate. In this letter you will find:
- Another 16 digit code
- A 32 digit code
- A new email address & password
- A person’s name
You must then sign into the outlook email address using the information provided in the letter (apparently this only requires a three step authentication procedure). Once you’ve accessed the email, draft a message to the person named in the letter. It must contain a secret you have never told anyone before. Send the email and wait for a response. Their response will be another 16 digit code, splice it into the 16 digit code given to you most recently and then splice that into the 32 digit code you received, you should be left with a 64 digit code.
Use that 64 digit code as a password to your initial username/email and you’re in! That wasn’t too hard was it?
After asking Microsoft’s new CEO, ˝°¿¿ ΩӘı˘ϐ °ϐ Ә ”˘≥攵°¿˘,” about the recent security changes, they said:
“T̡̛̞̝̰̯̰̝̔͒ͧ̏_̶͕̫̟̰̂ͧ̍͊ͧͪͣͭ͑ͅḫ̛̣̞̪ͯ́ͦ͛͒̓ͫ̔̎͋͋̈́̾͒́̈̃͟_̷̡̱̟̟͔̰̜͉̆̅̿e̿̚ d̸̷̡̛̪̬͎̀̀͗̈̒̈́ͨͥͤͦ̐̆͌̓̏͑ͮ̕͡͝͞͡a̢̹̤̦ͮ͆̀̂ͅỳ̟͎̬̺͕̠̙͕͉̳̜̄͛ͧͤ̿̀́̓͒͋̈́ͧ̊͒ͧ͘͘͟͠_̴̸̤̱̳͌͌̏̍͐͡ o̴̸̡̞̗̭̥͕̰͎͓̻̻̤͔̰̱͆̈́ͮ͛̐̾̉̾ͬ̆ͨ͢͠ͅf̸̳̰̏̑ͧ́ r̷̯̠̮ͭ̃ͬ͌́eͨć̴̛͎̳̬͍̺̖̪͍ͦ͑ͬ̊͒̉͐̏́̈́̏̉ͬ̾̄ͫ̏̅ͫ̾̌͊̓͛͊ͣ͜͜͜͟͝͝k̲͉̀́̀̉ͩ͞͠_̤͈͋̿ͯ͒ỏ̙̲̯̺ǹ̸̦̝̤̫ͫͮ̋ͮ͛͐̿̈́̔̉ͣ̕͠͡͡ï̶̬̞̹̗̠̠̖̰̘̪͇ͪ̓ͩ͐͗̅͜ň̨͇͕͈̻̩̲̝̫̝̮͕͕̠ͫ̀̋ͭ̊͛̊̚͜͢͟g͓̣͆̎̚ ĭ̡̥̗̆́́̃͘͞ş̴̶̬̬̰̹͕̮̖̫̟ͥͮͤ̍ͧ̆̀͂͂ͮ͞ ų̸̸̵̢̬̰͖̘̞͓̦͎̪̰̟̗͇̯͖̮̀͂̋̅ͫ̇̌̆͞p̧̡̡͓̲͕͎̼̬͔͎̐ͬ͛̓̆̿̓̚͠ō̱̔ñ̟̞̇_̧̛͙͕̗̠̲͍̱̟̘̤̺̅ͩ̉ͯ̓́̋̆͋ͬ͒̑ͭ̓̔̌̚ ù̸̷̵̢̞̼̠̪̝͇̮̰̺̯͈̬̬̳̼̜̙̦̞̉ͤͨ̓ͮ͑̔̕̚s̴̢̨̧͎͚̰̰̱̗͔̻̗̳̪̳̍͋̓̉̓̉ͣ̉̃ͣ̽̌͑͋ͨ̊̆́ͮͤͮ̾͒͘͝͝͞͠.̧̠̝̞̯͖͖̜̼͍̄̀̅ͫ̑͂ͣ͊̿͌ͯ͝ F̴̧̡͈̜̮͖̹͖̬̣̲͈̭̺̼̳̦̞̬͚̗̺̞̝ͩ́́̆̄ͯͩ̾͌̆ͧ̍ͨ̇͆̀̾͠i̢̛͎̜̣̟̺ͬͣ̓ͥ̑r̵̢̢͖͙͖̮̝͕̙͍̮̄͆ͣ̌̆̓͂ͧ̏ͧ̂̊ͥ͜͠ͅe̸̢̗̯̝̪̥͍͋̃̐ͩ̎̓̊͘͜ͅ ẇ̷̶̧͍̫̣̬̠́̾̾ͥ́͑ͭ̈́ͫͬ̑͜͢͞͠i͙̯̬̼̥͎̫͆̊̓͛ͦ̍͌̎͜l̵̸̦̲͙̱̰͕͕͙̣̟̤̲͚̜̾ͬͦͩͯͥ̈́ͩͯ̑̊ͣ̔ͩ͆ͣ̉̌̀ͨͧ̌͘͘͢͜͞͞ͅl̸̢̨͓̺̜̮̗̱̘̣̻̗͇̫͖͕̹̠̗̦̗͑̓̽ͬ́ͫ͂͗ͥ̾̈́͘͞ b̧̡̢̼̥̠̥̠͔͍͙͔̻͕̖͍̙͚̯̽ͤͤͤͣ̌̿ͤ̽̋ͤͬ̈́ͧ͆͂͢͟ą̷̸̛̗̜̲̙̳̬̝͓̰̲̥̝̆̐̾̄̏ͥ̾̊̿̀͒̕̕͜p_̧̢̯̣̜̩̰͍̞̅ͥ͛̋͋ͤ͌̀͗ͅ_̸̛̛̯̥̤͓̗͙̣̄̌̓̂͋ͤ̅̈́̀ͣ͢͡͝ṱ̴̷̷̷̛̺͓̼͚̥̻̝̱͊͑͑͛̏̒̈́̓͒̈́̅͌͒̄̏̂͑̕̕̕͢͞͝͞i͍̳ͬ̏̐̍͂z̵̨̙̜̖̩̜̅̎e̶̷̵̷͖̱̹͍̩̥̮̖̖͍̔ͧ͐͑͗̌̉ͧ͂́̃́̐͛̎̀ͫ̆̍̀ͩ͟ y̴̜͇̟̖̠̪̟̻̹ͩ̉̏̈͒̅ͨ̂͊̊̆͋̔͊ͥͨ̓̒̓ͬ̀ͣͣ̕̕͢͢͢ͅo̢̺̱̙̪͚͋̾ͤ̓̑̽͘͡_͓u̵̢̱̬̞͙̦̜̻͍̘̠̱̹͚̬̙͚͇̟ͥ́͗̆̊͌͗̋̒͒̏̔͜͡͞ṙ̵̸̸̵̵̶̷̨̧̢̧͓̗͇̼̬͓̣̻̻̟̟̰͙ͭ́̋̐̓͂͒ͩ̋̽̔͒̀̂̌͆ͩ̌͘ l͈̓̑a̵̷̶̴̘̥̺̖͓̖̱̖̽̋ͦͬ͆̈̓̓̔͛̅ͧ̕͝n̷̫͈͓̻͖̜̙̪̘̯̘̟̩̠͓ͨͥ̎͂̾̂́̊̃ͥ̾̆̊̓̂̿ͩ̕͟͡ḑ̶ͩ͋̑́ͪ͊̽̕͟s̴̤̗̰̘̒̄̇̿̄̑ͩ̃̐ͯ̈̎̿ͦ͢ a̴̳̣̻͈̺͖͓̻͓͇̩͌̂̉ͪ̆̽̆̎͟n̴̷̶̢̝̹͕̤͈̭͉͓̭̘̥͈̈͆ͯ̂̎̽́ͪ̍̄̄̈́͢͟͝͝͝d̞͈ͨ͋̈́_̶̷̸͕͖̘̯̖̦̘̘̪̖̼̞̘̍̃̓ͨ̅̎̎̇̔͠͡͞ t̷̤̰͚̩͕͉̼ͧ̓̇̈́̀͗͂͛̀͢͡h̵̢͈͓̳̹̰͔͗̓́̉ͪ̇̀́ͧ͠ȇ̸̴̸̴̛͙̥̫͙̗̞͖̭̍͊ͮͣ̂̉͛̃͊͑ o̷̴̴͓̝͚͚̹̣̙͔̝̻̹̞͈͉̱̪̔̈́̂̃̐̀̀̓̀̉͊̀ͧ͒́͐ͫ̉̕̚c̹ͣ͗͋͐̀̕͢ę̢̭̟͔̣̩͍̹͕̖͔̤̟̭̘ͪ̌͋̐͗̃͆̈̈̋̀ͥ̂̅͢a̸̝ͧ̇̕ṉ͚̱̟̲̙͛̄̍̔́̊̿͑͝s̡̛̲̤̠̘͇̤̯̲̠̿̈ͤ͌͗͆̕͞ͅ ẅ̫̘̝̰̦́̌ͣ̕͟i̳͚ͅl̴̯̗̗͉̬̖͔̬͍̜͇̞̺̑̃̇̐̉ͪ̾͒̓̀̿̋̾̉̋ͬ̚͝ͅl̸̳̱̙̤̰̙ͥ́̏͊͋ͩ͑̎͌̾ͧ͟ b̷̡̨̩̱̤̳͍̫͚̠̬̩̳͕̜̖̀̇́̇́̐͗́́ͥ̐ͩ̅̒̅͗͜͟͟͝͠o̶̤̖͕̣̫̦̿́̊̊̈͌͟ȉ̵̸̴̢̛͉̠͈̻̺̗͇̦̺̭͙̫̤̯͔͇ͦ̓̿́̈́̅͑́̅̓ͣ͆͞͠͡l͍͉̯ͦͩ͗̌͜͡͡.̳̳̰̠̭̬̱̹̮̘͙̦̩̇͛͋̋̈́̓ͤ̈̓͂ͩ͑ͮͨ̔ͬ̑̆̃ͨ͟ T̡̬̖ͯ̾ͯ̔̽̑h̶̷̡̯̙̳͕̭̗̳͓͔̔̾̈̂ͪͧ̂̑̂͢͡è̷̴̙̠̤̜̱̯̱̱̪̩̘ͨ̎͌ͩ̐̃̀͆ͧͭ͞_̢̫r̛ͯͥ_̀e͙͋̂̊̃̚ ĭ̷̶̡̦̳͓͈̰̙͓̺̯̩̰̪̻͒͐ͣ̒̉̾̐́͆͑͂̈́͘͘͘͡sͯͅ ņ̵͍̙̥̲̄ͮͬ̇͂̏͛̅͞o̷̶̘͈̦̮͚͕̝͇̪̤͋̊̾ͨ̎ͫͭ͢t̝ͭ m̹̲̉͑͛ͯ̌̒_̗̺̗͖̊ͬ̊̊̇̐͜ȗ̸̵̧̖̳͖͙̯͋ͥ̃ͩͦͨ̓̑̚͞ç̘̭͙̎ͪ̌͆̈́͒͂ͥ̕͝hͯ t̡̟̯͈̮̭̗̣̗͕͆͌̇ͭ͆ͦͪ͗ͤͣ͒ͯ̓̚͟i̸̴̧̲̣̩̘͍̩ͦ̑ͭ̎͛̂͢͡m̛̮̳͍͙̼̮̟̠̪̱͎͇͍̪̗̯̰ͭ͊̀ͯ̀̀͊̅̌͘̚̚͢͞͠͡e̴͌ l̵̶̝̪̼̣̘̱ͤͩ͆̊̓͆̽͒̕͢͠͝e̵̬̱̞͔ͥ̈́̂̾ͨͪ͒̏ͩ̚f̴͓̩͚̰̯̐̉͠t̷̷̨͔̥̻̠̭̖͍̝̣͓̯̻̣͇̣̹͕̽ͪ̈́̄͋͒̅̐͛ͥͦͤ́͠ b̴̡̧̩͓͖̱̳̜͈͎̂̃͆͑̏ͪͩͤͪ̿ͯ͊ͤ͊ͩͤ̇͛͑̍͜e̶̥̐̓̋͑̊̚͟͜͟f̵̢̛̜̬͔̭̰̖͇̱̃͋̈̽͠ǫ̛͚̼̂̓͠r̨͎̣̝̪͇̉̅̿̋̈́ͯ̂̀̄ͫͤ͂̇̍̾̾ͭ̕͞͞ͅe̴̶̶̴̡̡̱͚̱̖̗̹͚̼̯̯̩̗̠͓̪̖̟ͩ̋ͮ͑̀̐̍̍̀̈̃̇ͤͣͮͧͪ̾͗͘͜͠͠ w̴͈̮̗͓̗̱͊̆̃ͬ̋̊ͤ̊͡e̴̢̲̣̣͓͓̬̺̻̠̟̓ͣ͒ͬ̔̀́ͬ͋̋ w̩͖̺̦̮̝̝͎͎̳ͭ̊ͦ̚͝i̵̖͓͙̣ͭͭ̆ͩͦͭ͘ĺ̸͚̤̱̼̳̆͝l̵̨͈̘̠ͥͯͧ͊̔ͨ͞͝͠͝ ć̙͛̈ͪ̊͗͞l̮̦͚͐à̷̵̢̛͓͈͎͎̺ͮͣ̈́͛͆ͨ͗̄͘̚͡͞i͉m̧̡̧͕̯͎̦͙̣̮̹̜̩̗̣͍̠̾̇͑ͣ̉̈́̎͐̓̄́̏̃͒ͣ̃̏̑̃̐̏ͭͤ̕͘͜͡ͅ T̸̴̷̨̨̲̦͕̤̰̯͇͈̩̘̙͎̖͗͑̿ͨ̾ͥ͂̅ͦ͋̽͗̓̀̾̋͐̽e̸̳͊̌ͯ͠r̷̲̖͂̓͞r_̦̽ͨͯ̑̐a̶̸̴̧̺̗̱̲̫̎ͥ̓̔̃͛ͭ̆̊̏̈ͭ̕͜͢͡͡ o̸̴̢̬͙͇ͤ̾̒̏̈́̏̚͞n̲͢c͕͔̥͆ͪ̀ẹ̴̡̛̟̦͉͇̦͋̾͐̎ͥ̋ͤ̐͐ͭ̇̄́͘͝ m̆_͇̺̤̘ͩ̒́͌̓͐_̷̷̷̵̶̛̟͇̗̳̜̩̪̫̦͍̈́̉̇̔ͬͯͦ̍̑́ͤ̏̔͌ͮ̎̕͡o̢̩r̮̓͆ḙ̴͈̭̱͇͂̓̐̏ͩ̒̏͑́̇͞_̵̢̢͕̞̳̭̓ͤ͐͌́͊͐͛ͥ̑̾̊̉̎ͨ̉͘͢͡.̨̳͎͚͙̹̦̗̟̳̮̥̹̦̜͙̦̙̩̦̘̬͍̩ͫ͑͊̿̽̎̈́͌̉͑ͪͦ̊̇̉ͪ͘͟͝ T̲̖̥̋ͤ̅h̶̢̢̘̠̣̼͈̦̻͕͌ͭ̍̀ͯ̀̉̒ͬ̐ͣ́ͨͧ͟͝e̴̩̭͓̮̺͚̤͓̤̖͖̞ͭ͐̐͗ͭ̇͗̿͗ͯͨ̅̾͐́̓͟͠͞ ć̸̶̙̙̞͚̮͖̤ͯ͊̎̔̑̎͆͘͞ͅy̶͚͇͕̲̠͚̜̥̗̹̾ͥͪ̍̕c̴̡̺͇̙͙͕͇̠̹̠͉̬͉̋ͪͭ͗ͣ̀ͩ͐̓͌̋̑ͨ̑̀ͩͅl̔̄ȩ̴̸̴̢̜̪̳͙̼͍ͬ͊́̆ͫͨͤͫ́ͥ̅̈̍̑̂̀͡ w͚̏i̴̧̡̧̭̥̭̳̫͔̗̱ͫͤͦ̔͛͂ͤ̂ͥ̆̚͢͞͝l̨̢̡̛̫̯̱̲̳̩͈̥̺͕̤̙̗ͧ̒̃ͭ͛̇͑̓́ͧ̈́̌̔͘͜͡_̢̲̾ͬͨ̕l̵ c̺̣͓̝̭̰̦̒̑̌͒͛_̸̦̻͔̒̇o̰̤̣̥̻̫̼̻̖̾̂́ͨ̀n̹_͈͎̼̽ͨ͗̿ͩ͌_̢̰͗͐_̴̻̝̭̋ͪ̍ͤ̈́ͫ͡ț̩͕̞͓͌̏̔ͣͬ͊̿ͦ̈͘͝i̝̥͇͖͎̹̩̜̬̙̯̣̩̜̇̽͌͗͐̿̾ͪͦͣͧ̎̀̇ͦ̔͂̅ͭ͛ͤ͒̎̑̌́ͤ͘̚͟͝͝n̶͔̜̜̮͔̥͖͈͂̌ͤ́͡_̴̢͔̰̳͈̖͇͇̝̤̹̞̖̂̀ͣͣͦ͢u̶̵̡͈̰̻̮̞͈͙̖̗̤͆̄̐́̽ͦ́͜͠ḙ̸̸̡͖͚̪͙̩͐̍̿̈́̔̆̈́͜͝.̢̱̇_̵̵̡̛̥͚̯͔̮͉̗̱̥̇́ͫͦͧͪͪͣ̐͛͆ͩ͒ͧ́”
The good news is, after signing in using the new four-factor authentication method, you won’t need to repeat the process for a whole month! Say goodbye to signing in every week and say hello to answering your emails on time.