By Jack Daniel Hennessy
When you hear boom, either you work for the United States Department of Defense or just tasted a double-chunk chocolate cookie. For BJ and Small Justice, they can say they have done both. On Sunday, President Dump appointed your favourite father and son as Co-Secretaries of Defense, where they will bring the boom to the Pentagon (in the least 9/11 way possible).
The two Co-Secretaries of Defense take the jobs after disgraced former secretary of defense, Rizz Man, was fired amidst allegations of giving First Lady Melon Dump the rizz face. “He gave my girl the rizz face, there’s no chance he’s coming back,” said President Dump the morning he fired Rizz Man.
Their appointment was not complete without some controversy as staff at the Pentagon have complained that the duo’s inexperience is showing. The Anarchy interviewed Jack Ripper, a senior official at the Pentagon who has served since 1969. “BJ and Small Justice genuinely have me fearing for my life,” said Ripper. “We have been doing the same military protocol for the past two hundred years, and these fools walk in and ask to see the ‘boom room.’ Can someone please tell me what that means!!!!???”
We also spoke to the IT Department managers who all agreed that the so called ‘Boom Crew’ are risking national security for “likes on the FYP.” “I cannot believe I have to say this, but BJ and Small Justice, if you are listening, for the love of God, stop posting your attack plans on your TikTok,” said one IT worker. “I get it, you gained about 20 million followers, but now the entire world knows our plans to invade Canada.”
When asked to comment about their stance on Canada, BJ responded, “Canada? I wanna give them FIVE. BIG. BOOMS.”
Although the Dump administration has been outraged by the actions of the duo, the only person who approves of everything is President Dump himself. We asked Dump if he has any second thoughts following the actions of his Co-Secretaries of Defense.
“Well first of all, I’ve never heard of The Anarchy, such a nasty network,” he started. “Quite frankly, I have no problem with BJ and Small Justice,” said Dump. “They have done tremendous work in securing our border from those radical marxist maple syrup drinkers, and believe me, folks, they are going to make America boom again. I named it myself, MABA! Can you believe that?”
President Dump began to ramble…please skip ahead if you do not wish to read his rant.
“These guys care so much about boom, you are going to get tired of boom,” he said. “You’ll be saying ‘sir, it’s too much boom! How can we possibly take more boom!?’ And I’ll tell you to get used to it, because these guys are going to MABA! Did I tell you I made that up myself—” President Dump continued rambling for 15 more minutes, so we cut his interview to save space.
What exactly are BJ and Small Justice’s plans though? We talked to them in hopes they could outline their priorities…we were disappointed, but not surprised.
“I’m sure you heard our lyrics ‘we’ll be bringing the boom around a quarter past three,’ but we meant that literally,” said Small Justice. “Pretty much every day at a quarter past three, we promise to bring the boom to anywhere of your choosing if you like, comment, and follow us @b.j.andsmalljustice on Instagram. We will even throw in a chicken bake for you too!”
Now that the father and son duo are in charge of the nation’s nuclear weapons, much is unknown; however, what we at The Anarchy know is that these two are dangerous, and we call on everyone to demand their resignation. With all that being said, it just goes to show that if you don’t bring the boom, the boom could be brought to you.
