Hats that inspire my ire
Lately, I have seen a major increase in the popularity of the flat cap as a hat of choice for the young men of Mt.A. I have had enough of people sporting this terrible fashion statement and have decided to write a short piece about the dangers of wearing such a nasty chapeau plat, as the French would call it. It is deeply important to me that we break our good up-and-coming youth from this dreadful trend and wean them from the Devil’s milk that is the flat cap. For that is what this hat is at its core: the Devil’s mark upon the scalps of humankind.
The flaticus cappius (as the Romans would call it) is a mark of societal poverty. It is most often observed being worn in popular media by small, sickly, poor children in British soap operas. Think of Tiny Tim from Charles Dickens’ age-old classic A Christmas Carol, a story about an alpha male capitalist named Scrooge who suffers a breakdown and imagines that Christmas is a good holiday. Anyways, at some point in the story, he hallucinates Tiny Tim has kicked his little bucket (or not, given he’s a sickly little kid who walks with a cane), and it is probably the funniest part of the whole book. The point is, do YOU want to look like a small, sickly Victorian child? Did not think so buddy.
Secondly, the flat cap makes you look like a know-it-all, and nobody likes a know-it-all, not even your grandma. That is right, your grandmother will hate you for wearing a flat cap. No longer will grandma be happy to see you at any family gatherings. Now, she will conveniently forget that you have a peanut allergy and will begin solely baking peanut butter cookies for events. Not only will your grandmother dislike you, but so will all the other women you meet (trust me). No woman worth her salt will want to talk to a guy who looks like he can name every American state. That really is not as interesting as you think it is. I promise you no woman has ever turned to her friend after seeing you wearing a flat cap and said, “now that guy is hot.” Straight up has never happened.
Lastly, as previously mentioned, the flat cap is the mark of the Devil. Satan’s toupee, as it is referred to by members of the clergy. He who bears the flat cap is he who bears great sin. His soul shall be so burdened by the evil he wears on his head that it shall sink into the deepest circles of hell, where the daemons shall cry: “Ecce homo! behold he who in his hubris would wear an article of clothing that would so offend God!” May his punishment be great, for not only does he offend the most basic of sensibilities, but he is also followed by the cries of women and children whose eyes have been scarred by the monstrosity atop his head. This surely is the object of suffering that was foretold to come at the end of the world.
So, there you have it, my three very rational opinions on why the flat cap is a terrible stylistic choice. Still not as bad as socks and sandals though.