recently heard from someone that Goofy, the beloved Disney dog, is actually a cow. For years, many have asked the incredibly important question of why the dog-like character has a dog of his own. Today, I address the variety of answers which this question might have.
- Goofy was briefly given the name George G. Geef. We know that Disney often employs subtle hints and puns within their narratives, and Geef rhymes with beef, which indicates a clear bovine connection. Obviously, however, Goofy is also lacking many bovine traits—namely, horns. If Goofy is a bull, he is clearly severely mutilated.
- Now that we’ve established the high likelihood that Goofy is indeed of the bovine persuasion, a deeper question appears—Goofy is a man, and yet they ask if he is a cow. I propose that Goofy is actually the first transman (transbovine?) to appear in Disney productions. Although today Disney is supporting explosively homophobic rhetoric and legislation, having consistently censored queer characters and recently financed Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill, it turns out that they’ve had a character ahead of their times since the 1950s, when Goofy established his ties with bovinity and took the role of Geef. If Goofy is trans, the real question is whether this representation is a warm embrace of the queer community, missed by an audience tired of queerbaiting, or just another corporate cash-grab which Disney is so well-known for? At this point, you may be saying, “What? Maybe people just used the wrong word, he’s probably not trans!” to which I reply, first, that the words cow and bull are quite distinct and both well-known. However, in these times of insubstantial claims and alternative facts, you have impressed me with your desire for evidence. And so, I will provide. Goofy’s son is clearly an amalgam of Mickey Mouse (clearly a cis man) and Goofy, with the hands and red shirt of the corporate mouse and the teeth and ears of his father, Geef. Because Max’s second parent is never mentioned, we must assume his parentage is shameful, the secret maintained to cover up Mickey’s adultery. Furthermore, the child’s name is Max, and all of Mickey’s nuclear family start with an M—Minnie, Mickey, Max. The Mouse family also has a history of interspecies relations, with Oswald the Lucky Rabbit being the canonical half-brother to Mickey. Not only does this provide evidence that Goofy is a transman, having given birth to his and Mickey’s son, but it also provides further evidence for the Goofy species being bovine in nature. Humans, after all, share 80% of their genes with cattle, and 85% with mice. Therefore, mice and cattle must be genetically compatible for breeding, whereas dogs share only 73% of their DNA with humans.
- Now that we have established Goofy as transbovine, it must be said that humans also share half our genetic code with a banana—that is to say, proclamations can be senseless and truth is relative. This, in combination with the fact that Goofy’s tail is clearly that of a canine in his first official appearance in the Disney short “Whoopee Party” (which sounds like an orgy, by the way), leads us to the tamest of our theories. Goofy is not a cow, but an evolved version of a dog. Bill Farmer himself, the voice of our beloved Geef, has claimed that while the character he voices is not necessarily a dog, he is canine-adjacent. Goofy is the Canis Goofus to our Homo Sapien, making Pluto the equivalent of a human owning a monkey.
- Alternatively, a theory which explains the seemingly different evolutionary stages of Pluto and Goofy: kinkplay. It is at this point that you may be surprised to learn I have never watched much media involving this particular cast of characters—Mickey, Goofy/Geef, Max, or Pluto. So I must confess, there may be some holes in my logic. I was under the impression that Pluto was Goofy’s dog, in which case they are engaging in extreme puppy play. I say extreme not necessarily because of the activities which they participate in, but because of the public context where they occur. Consent requires the approval of all participating parties, and the public did not agree to view their sexual escapades. However, as it turns out, Pluto is actually Mickey’s pet. This leads me to suggest several alternate sub-theories which all substantiate the previous claims on Max’s parentage. Pluto may be the fursona of Goofy, wherein their extramarital affair is completely unknown to Minnie due to the intricate costumery and professional acting displayed by Geef in his pupsona. Perhaps, on the other hand, the thrill of an illicit affair is a carefully constructed and condoned activity, with Minnie either enjoying her position as cuckold or lovingly indulging Mickey’s desires in some form of polyamorous configuration. Alternatively, Mickey is indulging himself, replacing the unattainable affection of Goofy with the hopefully platonic and socially acceptable dynamic of dog and owner.