LOCAL BACHELORS SEEKING UNIVERSITY STUDENTS:

Sackville Tinder getting you down? Stop increasing your match radius – there are plenty of local singles in your area and they’re closer to campus than you think.

Ralph Pickard Bell Library: He’s quiet, intellectual and looking for something serious. The Lib is also very claustrophobic and he wants you to settle down and spend all your time with him. He’s very insistent on the fact that he has many levels to his personality.

Jennings Dining Hall: He’s convenient, a little greasy and available most hours of the day (especially late nights, baby).

Wallace McCain Student Centre: a.k.a. the Stud. Formerly known as Truman House, he boasts about his younger days but is quick to point out how he’s matured. Goes a little overboard when he drinks; refers to himself as the “Super Stud.”

Barclay: You have a lot of chemistry, but after failing Biochem 1 you realize he’s just not the one for you.

Flemington: He is inaccessible with a weird thing for birds. Don’t ask him about the swans.

Purdy Crawford Centre for the Arts: He’s quiet, mysterious and artsy. Despite his outside allure, he’s nearly empty and slightly toxic on the inside. He hangs around a certain type of crowd and never seems to sleep. You’re concerned about him and his omnificent presence makes you nervous.

Marjorie Young Bell Conservatory of Music: He often keeps to himself and, like the Purdy, hangs around a certain crowd. He is also known as the “guitar guy” at parties and won’t let anyone else touch the aux cord.

Hart Hall: The oldest contender on campus; he’s kind of sweaty, falling apart and you know he definitely has a loafer collection. Also has a weird personality considering the ghosts that haunt him.

Crabtree: He likes to boast that he has the biggest lecture theatre on campus. He has a bromance with the Lib and enjoys acting cultured despite only taking intro French in first year. The rats in his basement are kind of a turn-off.

Literally Any Residence: Young, annoying, thinks huffing a Juul is a personality trait.

James Dunn Building: You’ve definitely had some of your worst experiences back at his place, a.k.a. the Wu (the wooo, he proclaims flirtily). You want to be nice and laugh but then you remember that he’s majoring in math or physics or something. Oh god, why did you do this to yourself!!!

Athletic Centre: He thinks he’s exclusive and really only has one type. His favourite holiday is Homecoming. You liked the idea of him in first year but turns out he’s a total commitment and has a dungeon?? Ummmm…

Avard-Dixon: I wanted to make a joke about this but the fact that it’s the commerce building is the joke itself.

Emily Shaw
Emily Shaw is a contributor to the Argosy.