Chronically offline

When your friends growing up call you Amish despite your family owning a dryer

Nowadays, people have their faces buried in cellular telephones. Everybody spends their time surfing the internet, or messaging each other over Black Berry Messenger, or whatever the cool kid equivalent is. All these new fangled gadgets have the youths of today talking in their own language.

They’re always salty, because their BAE didn’t get the boujee new kicks they wanted. Whenever I point out that bays are obviously salty since they’re part of the sea, these hip new kids respect the opinions of their elders, with their universal agreement in saying “Ok, Boomer.” Although some common phrases like the one before are possible to decode, others are unbreakable. The previous slang sentence was clearly talking about how a bay destroyed the shoes from a member of the bourgeoisie through salt damage. But a slang sentence like, “Alright fam, finna gonna skert on down to that bussin’ rager, make sure to bring my BORG and wear your drip,” are utterly incomprehensible.

All of this time spent online causes more than just a language of its own to form. There are entire worlds, discordes, and corners of the internet dedicated to the things as weird as erotic fanfics of The Office. Some of these fanfics do give Sarah J Maas a run for her money, in the spicy department at least.

Courtney Richard – Argosy Illustrator


It seems our world is split in two, those that are chronically online, and those that are chronically offline. When picturing those that are chronically online most people imagine a diva scrolling through Instagram, or a shut in nerd arguing about Star Wars physics in the depths of discord. While those that are chronically offline are either seen as a grandpa that calls it the internets and asks how to get to google every time, or seen as a straw in the mouth gardener that spends their free time hugging trees.

The reality is that most people fall somewhere in between the two. They’re on Instagram to find the best crop rotation for their garden. Or there are the divas that love nature posts, so they go hiking every second Sunday. Or the Star Wars nerds that get together and have epic lightsaber fights at midnight. Most people have a balance of the two, but there is just one thing I’d like those that are chronically online to find out: What the hell is going on with Princess Kate?

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