What’s up, gang. I honestly don’t even want to write these anymore but I, like, have to lol so I’m just gonna keep shitting them out #yeet. Anyway, as per usual, I’m writing these super behind schedule and just really struggling to survive. Speaking of surviving, this week’s tips are going to be all about how to survive in the wild. Nice segue, right? Now I’m not gonna ask any questions on how you ended up in the wilderness but I am gonna give you some advice on surviving the wacky scenario you got yourself into!! Here goes nothing!
Tip 1. Examine your surroundings. OK, where are you? Is it the woods wilderness? The arctic wilderness? The desert wilderness? The swamp wilderness? What’s around? Trees? Dirt? Animals? Et cetera? These are the questions you need to ask and find answers to. I’m gonna assume that since we’re in Sackville we’re probably gonna be dealing with woods wilderness, maybe swamp wilderness. If you’re in the swamp wilderness there’s a 99 per cent chance you’ve just wandered off the trail in Waterfowl, so just find the trail and follow it home. You’ll be fine. Now the woods wilderness is a different story all together. Let me put together a little scenario, one that I may or may not find very relatable. It’s a Sunday morning. You wake up in the woods after a night at Ducky’s. It’s cold and there’s nothing around you except for trees. What the hell happened last night?????? You examine your surroundings and determine that you are in the woods wilderness.
Tip 2. Build shelter. While you may have spent last night sleeping under the stars and a thin layer of frost, you’re gonna want to build a more substantial shelter. You don’t know how long you’re going to be in the wild, so you’ll want to consider three main factors in building a shelter: warmth, strength and entertainment. To make it warm I’d recommend a heat-pump system or maybe a geothermal heating system – remember, symplicity is important here. For strength you’re gonna want to consult with an architect and a construction company, as well as the city council to make sure everything is up to code. In terms of entertainment I’m thinking a theatre with surround sound, an Xbox, maybe a 3D projector… Now if you’re not able to do this I guess a basic lean-to and a small campfire would suffice. The Xbox is non-negotiable though.
Tip 3. Get food. You’re going to have to eat something sooner or later, so try and find a source of food. If you’re vegan or vegetarian you might have to compromise on your values here. I, personally, would try to go after the biggest angriest animal around. The wilderness is basically prison, and you gotta make some animal your bitch before you become an animal’s bitch. Top choices to go after would be a moose, a bear or a mountain lion. This may be a bit intimidating but if you don’t show fear and use a bit of stealth you should be good. Try climbing a tree and dropping down onto its back, then pinning it in a full nelson. The key to all of this, and to life in general, is a little something called BDE, better known as BIG DICK ENERGY. No animal is gonna fuck with you if you show no fear and a big amount of confidence, like a man with a big dong. BDE. Very important.
On top of the other stuff you should probably try to escape or get help at some point lol. Hope you remember these if you ever get caught in the wilderness.
PS: Sorry about no humour section last week lol. I had some shit to deal with…