A recent string of drug busts at Mount Allison has launched an investigation into student doping. In a truly damning report, the investigation revealed the entire Orientation Committee tested positive for methamphetamine, more commonly known as speed. The report also reveals a strong pattern of drug usage dating back to the beginning of Mt. A’s Orientation.
When confronted about the subject, Morgan MacDonald, a third-year psychology student, said, “It’s been like, such a crazy week for sure, but definitely thinking about O-Comm next year,” concluding the interview with a Mountie cheer and severe convulsions. Other Committee members were unable to comment as they could not remain stationary long enough to be interviewed.
The investigation was prompted by widespread suspicion, as O-Comm members have typically been known to be excessively energetic, perky and, in the words of a first-year Bennett resident, “honestly kind of horny?” The effects of speed include increased activity, rapid heart rate, and intense need to ground twerk.
If tried, the University may risk the loss of their MacLean’s Top Undergraduate University title as well as having to admit to a worse substance abuse issue than St. FX. The Argosy has made attempts to contact representatives from the Orientation Committee but no one could be reached for comments.
The future of Mt. A’s Orientation is unclear; however, a source from MASU has stated events will continue under new leadership. The Argosy has been notified that an “Uncle Larry” has put himself forward as a nominee for next year’s Orientation Chair.
It remains uncertain as to just how many students have been affected by doping and whether or not it has extended beyond Orientation. When asked whether doping has affected team or club sports, representatives from Mount Allison Athletics were wary to comment. “That would mean we might actually win something,” said one.
Many details of the case have yet to be released. The Argosy is dedicated to covering this story and will provide future updates regarding this investigation.