I am super normal about selecting which version of mundane items I buy
5 – Big ass Stanley cup that is skinny at the bottom but big at the top
I think this one is just fundamentally a bad choice because how are you taking that thing literally anywhere? It’s not fitting in your water bottle pouch on the side of your backpack, and you’re not putting a water bottle with a hole in the lid IN your bag, so you’re stuck carrying your water bottle around like a four- year-old carries around their blanket.
4 – One of the 500ml Hydroflasks that were given out in the 2023 to 2024 school year at Mt. A
First of all, if you took more than one of these when they were giving them out, your greed is the reason we can’t have nice things. I never got one and I’m still pissed about that. Though in the world of water bottles, I think these ones are kinda ass. They keep things cold, and come in fun colours, and were given out for free, but I don’t wanna be filling up my water bottle every hour because my baby-sized water bottle for babies can’t hold more than half a litre of liquid. Fuck you Canyon, you took my free Hydroflask in first year, you bitch.
3 – Reused plastic waterbottle
To be abundantly clear, I don’t mean the ‘eco-friendly recycled plastic water bottle’ kind, I mean the ‘$3.99 for a pack of 24’ kind. That thing is constantly crinkling and the whole class can hear it. I truly can’t tell if this kind of person is just too lazy to buy a water bottle, or too socially unaware to acknowledge the impact their actions have on others.
2 – Absurdly large yeti gallon jug
Dude, like what are we doing here c’mon… Those things are like $200 after tax. From one water-drinker to another, I can respect the passion for the game, but at a certain point it just starts feeling performative. The pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. I get why you’d take it to the gym I guess, but a gallon is so much water. If the room has to comment on how big your water bottle is, it’s too big. Just get a two litre and refill it if you need Jesus Christ.
Now, before I continue, I’d like to preface that number five is the water I consider to be the best for me, and because everyone is different, I want to acknowledge that my decisions are still objectively superior to yours and nothing you say can ever change my mind, I am a creature of habit and anyone who seeks to change that is the enemy.
1 – Big, but not too big, perfectly-sized, straw OR chug lid, vacuum-sealed, stainless steel, black duracoat, 48oz, Yeti Rambler
What do you want me to say? It’s all there in the title. If you have any objections you can send them here: [email protected]