Aries (March 21 – April 19): An unreasonable amount of knick-knacks for your apartment.
Like there are so many knick-knacks, they’d all be stored in a medium-sized Amazon box and you’d hate most of them, except two. The exceptions are a pair of colourful ceramic salt and pepper shakers that look like little mushrooms, they are very cute and fun.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A large wad of cash.
It came with a note saying “For the casino only.” If you were born before 2004, congratulations! You won big and doubled your money! If you were born after 2004, it feels weird to me that you were allowed in the casino at all.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): The gift of knowledge.
Unfortunately, the knowledge is that you were probably conceived around 9/11 or one of its anniversaries.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): A handmade scarf that is unfortunately super itchy.
It’s unfortunate because your roommate gave you this scarf and you can tell that they clearly worked super hard on it, but it’s also so itchy to wear and is made from a weird combination of colours. They’d be super bummed if they never saw you wearing it though so you gotta just power through, or you can lie and say somebody took it from the coat pile at Ducky’s, your call.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): A cryptic text from your ex.
Yeesh! I’m sorry, that probably makes for an uncomfortable Christmas. How do you explain to your family that you’re bummed because your ex texted you “Saw a bird today that reminded me of you, hope you’re doing well”?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): The Throne.
Congratulations! You have become king of the moles. Good luck, I hear the squirrel army is mounting an attack on your kingdom.
Libra (September 23 – October 23): A person-sized hamster wheel.
This is stolen property and you should not have it, please return it to The Argosy office IMMEDIATELY or I will pursue legal action.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21): The autocorrect from my computer.
Gibe it bak pleese/
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Botulism.
Should have properly stored your canned goods, idiot.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A formal ADHD diagnosis.
*Editor’s note, I forgot to fill this one in and now the articles are due.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): An intricate box labelled “Do not open.”
Unfortunately, if you thought to yourself “Oh, I’d open the box anyway,” you will succumb to a strange illness brought on by the cursed box. If you thought that you would leave the box alone, nothing happens and your life continues as normal.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): A big bag of coal. :/
Sorry man I don’t make the rules, this one came straight from the big man who hails from the North Pole. Try not to be an asshole next year, I guess.
