Some New Year’s resolutions to start your year right

Surely you’ll stick to these ones… Right?

Everyone makes some kind of New Year’s resolution at one point in their life. Maybe that means making the effort to improve your health or achieving a goal that you’d been meaning to start working towards. Regardless, I think the flaw with these resolutions is that when you set them for yourself, you’re the one who picks the parameters of the resolutions; so, over time, you lower your standards of the resolution until it fades into oblivion. I am here to solve this problem for you by giving you a comprehensive list of 10 goals (with unwavering parameters) to achieve in this new year.

  1. Go to the gym and actually stick to it!

Everyone says that this is the year they’re gonna go to the gym and get in shape, and then somehow the gym is back to its normal occupancy state by mid-February. There’s no shame in this, it happens to the best of us! Use this entry as something to hold you accountable when you start thinking “Well surely I can miss one day.”

      2. Drink more water!

So it turns out beer is not 95% water and “is not a valid replacement, your liver is probably going to disintegrate if you keep going like this” according to my doctor. My bad, I guess. Maybe you can get one of those water bottles with the motivational quotes on it? I don’t know.

     3. Do your readings before class!

As luck would have it, profs can tell you didn’t do the reading if you say you liked the “vibes” of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. At least check out a quick summary of the book before class.

 

     4. Eat healthier!

It’s hard to eat healthily, especially as a university student, but adding ground beef and chopped vegetables to your Kraft Dinner is a “good start,” says my mom, and she’s a dietitian.

     5. Reconcile your parent’s marriage.

Relationships are hard, but I think that between all the advice you give your friends about their shitty relationships, your first-year psych class, and your intro to sociology class, you can handle whatever problems they have going on.

     6. Train a pigeon to deliver letters across campus!

I don’t really have a joke for this one if I’m honest.

     7. Master the art of petty revenge.

Sometimes open and honest communication isn’t enough when it comes to the fucking atrocities your roommates commit.

     8. Support your local newspaper!

Do you think I’m funny? Prove it. My e-transfer is [REDACTED]

     9. Get off dating apps.

Hey listen, I get it, but surely they’re bad for the dopamine centers in your brain. Are you really gonna find your future partner on TINDER in SACKVILLE? Do what you want though, I won’t tell you what to do.

      10. Laugh more!

The world kinda sucks a lot of the time, and it can be very easy to fall into the cave of despair. Take the time to enjoy moments with your friends, accept the things you cannot control, and laugh about how silly life can be sometimes.

Michaela Cabot – Argosy Illustrator



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