Written from the heart of a sensitive man who wears his heart on his sleeve
Have you noticed that your Tinder matches are getting farther and fewer between? Have women told you that you are a “heartless asshole who should go to therapy?” Do you wish there was an easier way to attract women than genuinely working to improve your life? Well I have the article for you. It’s this one. In case that wasn’t obvious. I’m sorry, I just have a hard time reading context through text alone.
Did you catch that? That was STEP ONE to becoming a performative male: start vaguely blaming your social misreadings on a specific aspect of the medium you’re communicating through, alluding to the fact that you could be on the autism spectrum without ever actually making the claim, maintaining a constant level of plausible deniability.
STEP TWO: You gotta start reading more, and not in a way that gives you personal satisfaction or enjoyment — you gotta read books that are feminist adjacent. What does feminist adjacent mean? I’m so glad you asked. Everybody knows that reading Michelle Obama’s In Her Own Words is a burned method, and as consequence, so is reading any explicitly feminist material. The goal now is to find a book that demonstrates both your ability to think critically, and your ability to be in tune with your emotions; all while being chock-full of feminist themes. The search for this kind of book isn’t easy, but at least you’ll never need to read it, you can just keep it in the back pocket, and hey, it’s way better than talking to some “doctor” about your feelings regarding your parent’s relationship.
STEP THREE: Start going to the gym. Unfortunately this one requires a bit of effort, you don’t need to get absolutely jacked, but you do need to be able to say “yeah I try to get at least a few workouts in per week” to anybody and everybody. It’s also absolutely crucial that you buy some proper gym clothes to wear around on the days you don’t workout, Lululemon joggers, a tight fitting t-shirt, and some Lacoste court sneakers should do you nicely.
STEP FOUR: Clean up your social media presence. I hate to say it, you can no longer like any Instagram reels that you find funny. Unfortunately, this includes those posts that say “like this if you and your homeboy could crush one million beers in one night,” I know you think you could do it, but practice restraint. Start liking anything you see that talks about being in touch with your emotions, how self progress is hard, or anything that implies you have a unique and special interest that is way cooler than everyone else’s. You’ll also need to start making some posts, just get your friends to take some pictures BEFORE the bar, pick a song that suits the vibe, and throw up a story post. The huzz can’t like your IG stories if there are no stories to like.
Step Five: Keep it lowkey, this is the most crucial step. You can’t tell everyone that you’re reading Jane Eyre, you need to SHOW everyone you’re reading Jane Eyre. The results won’t come right away, and that’s okay, patience is a virtue. Show up to Cranewood, get an iced matcha latte (oat milk of course), sit down, pull out your book and hide your phone in between the pages like you did in your high school English class. After pretending to read for an hour, pack up your stuff and go home, just be sure to “accidentally” leave your business card on the table for any interested parties.
It’s important that you trust the process, it takes some time but I promise you that if you practice these five steps, eventually word will spread that you’re a sensitive, fit, and well dressed reader who is the perfect candidate for any single women out there. Good luck out there buddy.