Aries – Television Terry : March 21–April 19
- You’ll never see this person NOT using the TV. Sometimes, they won’t even be watching it, they’ll just leave their show on while they do literally anything else. They’re pretty normal about it if you ask to watch something or have people over, but you feel bad asking ‘cause it might literally be all they have.
Taurus – The Dishwasher Demon: April 20–May 20
- This roommate unfortunately leaves dishes all over and then if they ever come around to loading the dishwasher, you’ll swear that this person does not have the logical reasoning skills to be attending a university.
Gemini – Bongmaster Brian: May 21–June 21
- While this roommate may be relatively chill, they also love to rip a bong right underneath your window and unfortunately (for you), their weed is so loud that your bedroom smells like that one high school bathroom.
Cancer – The Bathroom Bellower: June 22–July 22
- This roommate can be normal in every way, but when they get in the shower and their shitty speaker gets turned up, they’re giving you a concert that you will try to forget. It’s not that they’re necessarily bad — but Jesus Christ they’re just SO loud and somehow they NEVER put on bangers, like what do you mean your shower song is “Creep”by Radiohead, bro are you okay?
Leo – The Irritant: July 23–August 22
- Sorry, your roommate is just fuckin annoying, not much you can do about that one.
Virgo – Hookup Harold: August 23–September 22
- This roommate is exactly what they sound like. They’re a pretty cool person overall and you like being around them, but unfortunately so does everybody else, and you’re very aware of that based on how many people come to visit.
Libra – Library Lenny: September 23–October 23
- There are definitely worse traits for a roommate to have than being gone all the time, but part of what makes having roommates bearable is that they are also supposed to be your friends, at least a little bit. I wish I could tell you more about this roommate but unfortunately nobody really knows much about them cause they are never around.
Scorpius – The Minimalist: October 24–November 21
- This roommate isn’t inherently bad, not allowing consumerism to run your life is probably a good thing. However this person has a mattress on their floor and that’s it. They don’t care about the apartment’s decor at all, it seems like they don’t really care about anything at all.
Sagittarius – The Creature Collector: November 22–December 2
- This roommate collects animals like they’re playing Minecraft or something man, the first cat they get will be cute, but it just gets worse from there. Pretty soon, you’ll have a small pig in your shared ensuite and you’ll just need to pretend that’s normal.
Capricornus – Peter Parents: December 22–January 19
- This roommate’s parents must also attend this institution cause how are they ALWAYS visiting. I didn’t even see my parents this much when I lived with them.
Aquarius – The Botanist: January 20–February 18
- This kind of roommate is distinct from Bongmaster Brian though they may enjoy the same kind of activities. The difference is that this roommate is interested in all kinds of plants and has likely already been to Blooms like 10 times this year. Their plants bring a cool vibe to the place while they’re alive, but somehow that period will never last for more than a few weeks before the cycle restarts.
Pisces – The Gaming Fanatic: February 19–March 20
- It is important to note that this does not necessarily apply to all roommates who play video games, this applies to the roommate who loves all kinds of games and realllllly wants to play them with you and any people you bring over. I’ll admit, it’s cool to have a ton of different board/card games on standby, but holy shit I cannot learn how to play Risk right now bro I am like 15 beers deep I will throw up if I think too hard.
