By Isaac Neutron
Just when you thought the Mt. St. A Unwellness Centre could not get any more unwell, a brand new ‘professional’ was hired to the campus clinic. Dr. Gregory House, a diagnostician with tons of medical malpractice under his belt, has joined the clinic’s team with pride and many bottles of vicodin.
Why would this medical genius come to Ballsackville of all places? Nobody knows what goes on in this old man’s dark and twisted mind, but in his minimal time here thus far, he has already ‘treated’ various Mt. St. A. students. One student shares their shocking encounter with Dr. House during an Unwellness Centre checkup. “I told him that my left eye was hurting,” said the student. “He shone a light in my face and started rambling on about some guy named Wilson. He then asked me to repeat what he had said. Of course, I did not understand what was going on. When I told him this, he said “brain tumor” before popping a pill and leaving the room.” At first glance, this meeting may seem concerning, and considered highly unprofessional, but the student admires him. “I got a brain scan and they found it— this piece-of-shit doctor saved my life,” they exclaimed. Though, not all students have such light-hearted endings to their stories.
Another student recalls the time that Dr. House discounted their recent lupus diagnosis with a scoff, stating simply “it’s never lupus.” When his assistant arrived, all he could say was “this vexes me” before leaving the patient there for four hours with no treatment.
Some would believe that a doctor with his own medical issues and disabilities would bring a welcoming and knowledgeable atmosphere to the Unwellness Centre. While this doctor does tend to be right, is he professional enough for a clinic that strives to help young students? Many argue no, but perhaps this grump is not such a bad doctor after all.
